And Now the Answer You've All Been Waiting For...

So what is the question to this whole blog? It's whether or not grey hair will affect your love life. In some ways, yes. You don't attract young'uns as perceived peers (but you still attract them all the same). Some shallow men will want a checklist of features that you would have to work a lifetime to maintain (see a Real Housewife series). But those are unrealistic standards that the best salon and plastic surgeon can't live up to.

In so many ways that you wouldn't realise, grey hair DOES NOT affect your love life. After one week on OK Cupid I went on a first date. Typical coffee date on a Sunday afternoon with a nice, really interesting guy. I took a pic right before I left to meet him (hence the car backdrop). The two-tone hair never came up and there were no lingering looks about it. I mentioned it briefly and there was really no reaction about it. Why? Because it doesn't matter. After nearly three hours of conversation, I left to run some errands. Oh, and I got asked out for dinner next Friday.

So there you go, ladies. It really doesn't matter. You don't have to change anything about your life when you go grey. You don't lose your desirability, you don't lose your youth. You don't have to put your life on hold waiting for the stripe to grow out; you keep living as though this is the best day of your life. What you DO lose is the high cost of hair color (add up the thousands you have spent on hair salon color, DIY kits at home, color correctors, etc.). Most of all, you gain an authenticity; a self-love for what God gave you. You become fully a woman because you love and accept yourself for you. This is further enhanced by the fact that this self-love expands outward and you have so much more love for others. I spend no time looking at women's hair unless I want to pay them a compliment. I think I've increased the level of compliments I give daily five-fold.

So if you're feeling self-conscious about yourself- don't. Whatever you choose to do will be accepted. And I'm living proof of that.

The Online Dilemma

I have stated before my dislike of online dating. I find that it's (obviously) not organic and it leaves people at a distance. It also is easy access to a lot of people looking to date and it gets your mojo kickin', which is good. Since I don't want to pay for Match I thought I would just have an online profile at OK Cupid just in case I did want to go the online route. OK Cupid seemed like a good option because A) it's FREE and B) it's geared toward nerds like myself.

Now the critical juncture of an online profile is the user name. This is not something I especially excel at and after realising that EVERY user name I could come up with was already taken (including the addition of 'asaurus' at the end of each), I finally settled on my favorite whiskey. Another 30 minutes spent writing little quips about what I'm all about and answering somewhere around 200 questions (it never ends!), I finally call it a day.

The next day I wake up to 8-10 messages. This is a respectable number and I wasn't really looking for any but that is my daily average. Now this is the part where you will learn why I don't like online dating. Most of the guys were perfectly nice and normal. I have a date with one of them this weekend. Other normal guys let chit chat go on for far too long and then you can't help but lose interest. And then, #thud#, the others. One had a user name that makes him seem like some good little Christian man. Cool. He's good-looking too. He's also poly amorous and into some really kinky stuff- eek! Others are looking for a hook-up- nope. Others are writing me to tell me how much they work out and have nothing intelligent to say... nope again.

Then there are the (what is the PC way to put this) socially-challenged lot. The most common way a guy can guarantee getting blocked (if none of the above-mentioned methods haven't already applied) is over-eagerness. Ugh. Case in point, one guy rambled his whole life story and why we'd be a great match. This was the introduction email. I felt overwhelmed and let that one die. Another had a perfectly nice opening email and I responded. The next email gave me three phone numbers, times to be reached at any of them, and assurance that whichever phone I called (and to PLEASE call!!) he would return my call within the hour. Nope.

A question I hear discussed on the Silver Sister's Club is whether you should use a picture of your dyed hair or your skunk stripe. I mentioned this before but I think it bears repeating. Use your current picture. Even if you have a current picture mixed in with a bunch of older pictures when you're styled and coiffed with freshly dyed hair, you don't want to risk the guy feeling deceived about your appearance. I say risk rejection upfront instead of in person. So the only pics of me are with my skunk stripe.

I had one guy- intelligent, cute, interesting and very interested writing me. Huh, looks promising. And then he tells me how he likes older women. I scratch my head, not feeling like 38 is 'older.' I look at his profile and it says he's 34, not exactly young enough to be my son, so I call him on it. Oops! he forgot to update his profile and he's really 24. Good grief.

Okay yes, the silver will affect every aspect in your life in some way. I had my opinion of grey hair before I stopped the dye and I can't expect the world to become enlightened overnight. But the biggest change comes from the fact that I stopped coloring for ME. I had been coloring my hair for everyone else, or at least what I thought was expected or wanted of me. And the biggest change is that I have a peace and comfort in myself- even with my awkward hair. And I'm kind of addicted to this doing things for me business. It kind of kicks ass.

So regardless of what some guy thinks of grey hair, they see ME, not some airbrushed girl who is afraid to state an opinion or pretending to be whatever the guy wants so he'll choose her. I don't have to play games because I'm very much myself. Instead of spending all this time trying to anticipate what strangers might possibly like, I can spend more time being a good person and dedicating myself to things that matter and are authentic. I chose me and that's really all that matters.

Family... Sigh

One thing that will be an inevitable part of anyone's journey in the greying process is to deal with family. Sigh... The sigh goes with it and will always go with it. Unfortunately you will have at least one close family member that just zings you and criticizes your choice to go grey. They will think they are doing you a favor (at best), but will most likely be so used to taking your relationship for granted that they will have no idea about boundaries.

My biggest boulder is my dad. I call him my boulder because with these crazy negative voices we have going on in our heads, there are usually some origins. One of those origins is my father. He is not known as a cuddly or congratulatory man. In fact, he has never said a word of praise about me to my face. Rumor has it others have heard positive comments said about me from my dad, but the stoic Midwestern way of fathers is to keep said information from the true recipient. Unfortunately praise is among  a stack of necessary skills that my dad is missing.

So it is with little surprise that when my father saw me for the first time since I stopped coloring a comment was made about grey hair looking "old." I have no doubt I brought up my hair in some context (because I freakin' LOVE my hair). However, there was nothing constructive about his comments. I told him I look younger with it and that I get compliments all the time. He said anyone that would compliment me on my hair was crazy. There was a slight back peddling on his part to say that ANYONE complimenting another on their HAIR was just plain weird. It ended in me telling him that I could care less of his opinions on my hair so his comments were moot.

I felt pretty low after leaving there, and every silver sister has had a similar experience. As one sister said so well, "the world isn't ready for us" (thanks Elo!). But there is a great light at the end of this dark tunnel. When you are feeling the aftershock of being blasted, it's a great opportunity to re-evaluate what control another person has over your feelings. Is it a stranger that made that comment? Did you respond? More importantly, did you tell said stranger that they were out of line? And what about your family or friend. Did that person make you feel like you were 8 years old? How did you respond?

I will say this: what started out feeling like a really low point and a step backward became a real opportunity for growth. I took that opportunity to once and for all evaluate why one man's limited viewpoint would affect me. Once I gave that a hard look, the feeling dissipated.

I guess the main thing to remember with all of these posts is that the experiences I have in this process are the same experiences that every silver sister has. There are highs and lows to the whole process. Some may see this as a low point but it was a great triumph for me; it finally made me deal with a much deeper issue and I came out stronger than ever. The world may not be ready for us but they will have to adjust.

Whodatunkit?

Last week was a good week. Scratch that. Last week was a GREAT week. My whole perspective was changed and I finally got the answer to the whole purpose of this blog once and for all.

Let's backtrack a bit. I am an introvert. I get exhausted being around people 24/7. My dream job would be to lock myself away in the archives, yet my reality is that I'm a very social person. It's somewhat exhausting but has progressed me to the title of "Functional Introvert." So to go out to concerts, dinner, or movies by myself is on one hand fine with me. On the other hand, it's more fun to experience it with someone. However I was looking forward to going to the concert and later to the ballet.

I started off going to a concert by myself. I go every time this band comes to town and always seem to run into friends and have a good time. This year it was a last minute gig and none of my friends could make it but I was looking forward to it all the same. That whole day I had been in a great mood. I was talking to my sister as I was walking up to the pub and she was cracking me up. So I sat about a 1/4 of a block down from the entrance to finish my conversation with her.

As I did I became aware that the band was unloading but a couple of them stopped and stared. I thought it was something behind me but no, there was no one behind me. I was getting checked out. As I went into the bar I staked out a good area to set my beer on and enjoy the show. The concert was good but nothing could compete with the guy doing his best impersonation of Molly Ringwald's dance in The Breakfast Club, compiled with random jumps and herkie kicks to round it out. Counter that to his partner who was doing some sort of Wiccan conjuring spell dance and you've got a good evening's worth of entertainment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZINZmN1_GM

This all being said, I was in a great mood and had no problem talking to people and they seemed to gravitate toward me. When I left, I was on the sidewalk and one of the band members looked me over long and hard- he did not give a crap about my hair. Had it not been a work night I would have returned the gaze (with some embarrassment) but I needed bedtime. That was a great victory because it really IS all about attitude and energy. If you're in a great mood, people find that a magnet and they want to be around it. I am not a classic beauty, I have 20 pounds I would be happy to donate to anyone willing, and it didn't matter. I was happy and fun and THAT'S what made me attractive that night.

So on to the ballet. Quite a different social engagement. I went with a friend and afterwards we went to a nearby hotel for a drink. There was a gala fundraiser going on and many drunken debutantes pouring out of the ballroom. Really, you'd think with all that money they would learn to hold their liquor. Some girls sat on the floor, draped over their date's lap whilst their friends pulled down their dresses. Other girls were borderline belligerent and assaulting eligible bachelors and trapping them into corners, poor dears.

And even though the lighting was BAD and my hair looked like a creamsicle (trust me, those elderly women all took notice and politely turned away), I think I was still preferable to an amateur drunk. Yay, points for me! All kidding aside, the only ones who notice or care about your skunk stripe are women. When men notice it on me, they either love it or don't really care. Some may notice and not care for it, but I have never received a negative comment from a man nor a negative look. I think it just helps if you show it off. Don't try to hide it or conceal it- it's there and it's intentional (unfortunate yet intentional). Once you stand up for yourself everyone will fall in line.

No More Baristas

I have to make a correction on my earlier post. There HAS been a change in the men I attract. I noticed that as time goes on in the greying schedule, I no longer attract the amount of baristas as my former dyed hair. That means that children (of whom I am twice their age) in an under-employed status no longer want to date me.

This does not make me sad but more that it's an awareness of how much I really own my age. I'm not sure if I posted the real reason I decided to go grey. First, color would only last two freakin' weeks before I had to cover the roots; second, I have gone from 40% grey to 80% in a matter of two years; and third, I had a moment of clarity that I was coloring to hide my age.

One could quickly draw on the fact that if I'm trying to look twenty-something, I would actually like to attract twenty-somethings. Not so much, and I was giving the Universe mixed messages. So now that I am proudly a 38-year-old Silver Sister, I would like to attract age-appropriate playmates. I don't want the guy who goes to a kegger and shares an apartment with ten of his closest mates; in essence no amateur drunks need apply. And that's exactly what I'm NOT attracting- yay!

Now, a friend recommended some cover up for my grey to get me through the hard times. Considering I have about 3" of growth, have I not already gotten through the hard times?? I'm not sure I would want to risk it, what if it stained and I had to start all over, thus ADDING five MORE months??!! Eek, I shudder just thinking about it.

Along that note, I highly recommend the ponytail when going out and wanting to look remotely attractive. As a woman who is 5'2" (remember the scene from Rudy: "you're five foot nothin', a hundred and nothin'...), there will be few people so short that they won't see the top of my head, which looks like this:

I'm sure no guy is going to reflect on what a lovely, healthy pink scalp I have or how my hair resembles a twinkly pixie on top. Maybe some will, but they're probably not going to go for me. Therefore the ponytail just announces the silver and no one is thinking, "Psst, should we tell that girl that her roots are starting to show?" A ponytail stops those comments from occurring. I have a couple of events I'll be going to this week and I'll be sporting said pony. I'll report later on that.

Sheltie Time

I have been absent for some time. Mostly this is because I have been VERY under the weather, due to the plague-like flu that swept the Northern Hemisphere. Finally after five weeks I feel I am starting to come beack to life.

I celebrated my FIVE Month Anniversary yesterday. What did I do? I had my work colleague take pics of me in the parking lot to show off my hair. This obsessive behavior is not helping me as I can't tell the true rate of growth in my hair. The Silver Sisters say I am growing very fast but it seems to have slowed to a lull in my opinion.

I went home and was snuggling with my Sheltie, commenting on what a pretty dog she was when I realised- oh my! I have the same hair as my dog! I have this white collar, auburn base, and black accents (the back undercarriage of my hair is black- when have I EVER had black hair??!!). See for yourself:

 There are worse things that can happen then to look like your Sheltie dog but I have to admit I will be happy to start looking like someone found more along the homosapien route.

Okay, so let's get on with how this is affecting my love life. It's not. If you want to know the honest truth, I thought the tri-tone effect would impact every area of my life. It doesn't. Men don't seem to notice and when they do, they look for growth progress. Other than the Silver Sisters, they are my biggest fans.

I have just as many likes (this is on the Match site) on my going grey pics as I have on my monotone hair pics. I know that Anne Kreamer did this experiment with her grey hair on Match. She had transitioned and had two profiles: one with grey hair and one as a photoshopped brunette (just photoshopping the hair). There was no difference, in fact she seemed to have more hits on the silver profile. But I wondered how that would apply to dating life when you're in the middle of transitioning.

I honestly think it's about your confidence. If I want to feel confident going out, I generally pull my hair back into a ponytail. There's still the crazy color  but pulled back there's this initial bright silver. I think it's stunning and I love to show it off. Do men care? Doubt it. It think I just radiate more confidence and that projects out. I've gone out the past few weekends with friends and no one at the bars seems to even notice. Sometimes my hair is down, sometimes it's up. I think they think I'm doing something intentional. Maybe I should just say from now on this is a very new look- the Sheltie look, and stars are paying big money to get this look. Hey, if Kelly Osbourne can rock lilac hair, I can rock the Sheltie.

Bad Hair Day

Remember those days of yore where you would be awoken by birds chirping, toss your hair, and barely run a brush through it to make it look perfect? Yes, that's because that reality only exists in our wildest fantasies. Still, I convince myself that I had those days regularly before I stopped coloring and when I'm having a bad skunky day.

When you have a skunk stripe and the snotty kid at CVS (who, by the way, won't sell a much needed Claritin because their system is down) looks at your ID and starts to say, "Is this you? It's your... oh... never mind then..." as she stares at your hair. Well, that puts one in a foul mood. I should have been snotty back (not a far stretch since my head was about to implode from congestion) and forced her to finish the snide comment.

Alas, this is my personal growth in 2013- dismal.

I began to get a little desperate knowing that I was all-out skunking it for a minimal of 12 months more. Since I cut off a lot of hair, I calculated the length and how much time it would take to grow out my hair. With average growth, we're looking at 1/2" a month. Mine seemed to have a growth spurt when I didn't want my roots to show and now it seems to have stopped growing altogether. Yes, I see no difference in length from month 3 to month 4.

I went online and asked Diane and the Silver Sisters what Roux-Fanciful rinse I could use that would turn my orangutan- colored hair a lovely silver. Silver Lining did nothing. Lightening my hair with calcium, baking soda, professional hair color removers- NOTHING budged my stubborn color. I took some of the suggestions and tried Black Rage from Roux. Nothing. True Steel. Nothing.

The fact that I spent the last week in sunny Florida where there is no lack of silver sisters only added to my jealousy that my roots have dug in their heels, and decided to not grow out. I stared at all the lovely silver locks and wished mine stood out. Since I am not a sun worshipper, having long ago acquiesced to my cave-creature white skin, I would feel like a knock-out with the silver hair. I would have stood apart from the deeply bronzed silver sisters of Florida.

But then another new day comes, and I see my roots (still not growing!) and there is spun silver, and sparkling pewter and I realized that this could be the best gift that God ever gave me- my own silver, and one that has a mixture of unique colors just for me. It's not January 2014 (my hopeful graduation date), but it's a start.