A Plethora of Dating Sites

Plethora. It's one of those fabulous underutilized words and it also applies quite accurately to the number of online dating sites available. I have tried many and loved few. I am one of those people who like to meet men organically, in their natural environment. However, I am also one of those that has many DOH! moments realising that I missed many a golden opportunity to express interest and take it to the next level. Very much like the guy I met in Glasgow who walked several miles out of his way to walk me to the right train station, stayed with me to show me the exact train I needed... far beyond what I needed but he was cute so hey, why not? Then he lingered and did I say anything other than a profuse thank you?? No. Missed opportunity. Sigh.

Aside: just to have a gratuitous pic before the big cut this Thursday. Although I'm slightly cross-eyed, the sentiment remains the same: Rock on! with your bad self.

So since I have developed this bad habit of missing opportunities, I turn to online dating. Since I went on to Ok Cupid I have had several dates. Nothing that swept me off my feet but I realise that even with 4 inches of roots it didn't affect the guys that I went out with. It was the same mix I had when my hair was fully dyed; some really good-looking, some not so much, some pretty cool, others not so much. Really, there's no change. The difference I DO notice is that these guys are pretty nervous and I'm not at all. I'm actually pretty damn comfortable, confident, and cool. In another blog post I think I'll go into how to steer a date but for now, we'll just focus on the different dating sites.

Match.com. Would you like to custom order yourself out of any surprises? Would you like a man who is 5' 11", auburn hair, violet eyes, originally from Moldova but speaks Tagalog? You can find that on match.com! The trouble is that match.com members get into such specifics that they don't look outside of their narrow boxes much. Oh, and the 'wink' feature is super-annoying! So the MO (modus operandi) is that a guy will look at new girls in the age group he specified. He will send out winks to several or 50. You are supposed to wink back, until you start the small talk phase. Chatting seems to go on longer on Match.com than a lot of other sites.

OKCupid.com. If you are a girl, prepare to be overwhelmed on OKC. There are so many more men on there than women and your inbox will always be full. The trouble with OKC is there are a lot of people looking for hookups, which is one step away from craigslist ads. They have the endless stream of questions to answer as well. The more questions you answer, the more you know how a person potentially matches with you. But the questions never end. Ever. Men are more likely to email you out the gate and start with some small talk but dates usually ensue much quicker.

eHarmony.com. eH is designed for meeting "the one." There are quite a few questions and for a girl who's a minority in the Christian world (Eastern Orthodox Christian), they really don't know what to do with that. There seem to be a lot more women on this site and the men are slim pickings. I haven't been on this site for years because of this fact but when my very attractive friend joined I saw what they paired her up with. Not great. My dates from eH were guys who lied about their height (5' 3" is not that close to 5' 9"), showed pics of when they were waaay younger and had hair, and they were looking to get married yesterday.

Specialty dating sites. Since I am of a minority religion I do belong to orthodoxchristiandating. But with any of these sites I think the foundation is all religion, or whatever the specialty consists of. I have met men on this site- great men from all over and you start out having something important in common. But the likelihood that one of you is going to move because of an online relationship? Probably not as great as you'd think.

So I guess it all comes down to what you're trying to get out of this site. I recommend trying some out though. It gets your mojo going, helps to identify what you really want right now, and it also reinforces that you're attractive whether you have two-toned hair or not. There's a lot of good that comes out of it but be prepared to really invest some time into it.

Color Lift Part Deux

There's a lot to this color lift so I'm going to spend a little more time on this. As I went into the bathroom to re-examine my grey in yet another light, I noticed that there were a few areas where there was red hair about an inch from the roots. The roots had more white. Oh no! I thought that the color lift had deposited some dye on my virgin hair. Damn! Seven months of grow out for nothing.

Not completely unlike me to jump to conclusions, I called Aveda up. The manager had me come in that afternoon so she could get a closer look. She said that there were a few spots where the red was further down but that it was my natural hair color. Apparently, all the greying has had me grey even more and there are spots that are getting lighter and lighter. I'm constantly going lighter. What the--? Does this mean that when I graduate from hair dye, I won't really graduate?? She further explained that hair color shows up differently and there was no hair color on my grey. I know my hairdresser took special care and she was so careful that this is why I have that darker stripe at my demarcation line. So whew! I am glad that the process was a total success!

This process of color lifting is not for the faint of heart. The chemicals contain a lot of peroxide so for all of you with ppd allergies, I'm afraid this might not be a good bet for you. The color doesn't rinse out but the peroxide formula penetrates the hair shaft and breaks up the color, sort of eating through the color. As I said in a previous post, one application of organic coconut oil and my hair was restored.

Even though it sounds like a harsh process, I look at the before and after of my hair and it's sooo much easier now. I really am not conscious of it when I go outside. I realise that writing a blog about your hair makes you a wee bit more obsessed with it than the Average Joe but it is making this transition even easier. I feel like I'm really starting to see what my color will look like when I'm all done.

Roux-fully Challenged

I did something I SHOULD have done several months ago: I went to a salon and had a color lift. This is the polite way of saying I had the salon strip out as much of the color as possible. This is not for the faint of heart because it is heavy on the chemicals and can make your eyes water. But it lasted for 10 minutes, cost $10 at Aveda, and with some coconut oil left in for 30 minutes (thought I was going to say 10?) my hair was as good as new. Except one thing- it's LIGHTER!

These are pics of me right before I went in to the salon, right after, and styled with Roux Fanciful rinse (I'll get into that in a minute). Disclaimer: I was going into the salon and wanted my stylist to know exactly what kind of tween tantrums my hair will pull if not whipped into shape, so she could suggest shorter styles. Lest we forget, I reside in the South: a swampy climate which ensures dewy skin and frizzy Texas pageant hair. Going to a short 'do is done with trepidation. So here is the 1, 2, 3 of my hair transition:

Several oddities came up when I saw my new hair. First of all, I was in mourning for my lost Sheltie look- now I wouldn't look like my puppy anymore. Second, and I know I should have come to terms with this long ago, I would never be a redhead again. Other than the occasional wisps of red hair I still have, my days as a ginger are done-zo. Also, my silver has changed completely; almost unrecognizable to me. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that some of the dyed hair must have gotten on my virgin hair and coated it. Against the dark red my grey looked somewhat pewter but against the blonde it looks redder. The jury is still out, but really I think my grey is just adjusting to reflecting the new color.


One question you might have is why the hair is so much orange-ier at the top of the dyed hair in Pic #2? This is due to the original hair nightmare- the craptastic ombre that I had dyed over. Apparently that cherry chocolate undercoating has now oxidized to a lovely shade of traffic cone orange. The second question you may have is why is there little-to-no improvement between Pic #2 and Pic #3? This is because I'm roux-challenged.

Roux-Fanciful is a rinse that perhaps your grandmother would know. I have seen silver sisters that have super light blonde ends and they use Roux to turn their blonde silver. I'm not exactly sure the extent of Roux because I can't seem to get it to work for me. I have tried it in Silver Lining and Tru Steel but to very little effect. I've glopped, combed through, sjoozhed (it's a word), smooshed and still failed.

Regardless, I am loving the change in the lighter hair. I feel like this makes the transition easier and my silver blends in much better with the blonde-ish color. Even though one of my favorite kids at Church said my hair was different, just a light orange *thud*, alas still it's better. And next up will be shorter hairstyles!

And Now the Answer You've All Been Waiting For...

So what is the question to this whole blog? It's whether or not grey hair will affect your love life. In some ways, yes. You don't attract young'uns as perceived peers (but you still attract them all the same). Some shallow men will want a checklist of features that you would have to work a lifetime to maintain (see a Real Housewife series). But those are unrealistic standards that the best salon and plastic surgeon can't live up to.

In so many ways that you wouldn't realise, grey hair DOES NOT affect your love life. After one week on OK Cupid I went on a first date. Typical coffee date on a Sunday afternoon with a nice, really interesting guy. I took a pic right before I left to meet him (hence the car backdrop). The two-tone hair never came up and there were no lingering looks about it. I mentioned it briefly and there was really no reaction about it. Why? Because it doesn't matter. After nearly three hours of conversation, I left to run some errands. Oh, and I got asked out for dinner next Friday.

So there you go, ladies. It really doesn't matter. You don't have to change anything about your life when you go grey. You don't lose your desirability, you don't lose your youth. You don't have to put your life on hold waiting for the stripe to grow out; you keep living as though this is the best day of your life. What you DO lose is the high cost of hair color (add up the thousands you have spent on hair salon color, DIY kits at home, color correctors, etc.). Most of all, you gain an authenticity; a self-love for what God gave you. You become fully a woman because you love and accept yourself for you. This is further enhanced by the fact that this self-love expands outward and you have so much more love for others. I spend no time looking at women's hair unless I want to pay them a compliment. I think I've increased the level of compliments I give daily five-fold.

So if you're feeling self-conscious about yourself- don't. Whatever you choose to do will be accepted. And I'm living proof of that.

The Online Dilemma

I have stated before my dislike of online dating. I find that it's (obviously) not organic and it leaves people at a distance. It also is easy access to a lot of people looking to date and it gets your mojo kickin', which is good. Since I don't want to pay for Match I thought I would just have an online profile at OK Cupid just in case I did want to go the online route. OK Cupid seemed like a good option because A) it's FREE and B) it's geared toward nerds like myself.

Now the critical juncture of an online profile is the user name. This is not something I especially excel at and after realising that EVERY user name I could come up with was already taken (including the addition of 'asaurus' at the end of each), I finally settled on my favorite whiskey. Another 30 minutes spent writing little quips about what I'm all about and answering somewhere around 200 questions (it never ends!), I finally call it a day.

The next day I wake up to 8-10 messages. This is a respectable number and I wasn't really looking for any but that is my daily average. Now this is the part where you will learn why I don't like online dating. Most of the guys were perfectly nice and normal. I have a date with one of them this weekend. Other normal guys let chit chat go on for far too long and then you can't help but lose interest. And then, #thud#, the others. One had a user name that makes him seem like some good little Christian man. Cool. He's good-looking too. He's also poly amorous and into some really kinky stuff- eek! Others are looking for a hook-up- nope. Others are writing me to tell me how much they work out and have nothing intelligent to say... nope again.

Then there are the (what is the PC way to put this) socially-challenged lot. The most common way a guy can guarantee getting blocked (if none of the above-mentioned methods haven't already applied) is over-eagerness. Ugh. Case in point, one guy rambled his whole life story and why we'd be a great match. This was the introduction email. I felt overwhelmed and let that one die. Another had a perfectly nice opening email and I responded. The next email gave me three phone numbers, times to be reached at any of them, and assurance that whichever phone I called (and to PLEASE call!!) he would return my call within the hour. Nope.

A question I hear discussed on the Silver Sister's Club is whether you should use a picture of your dyed hair or your skunk stripe. I mentioned this before but I think it bears repeating. Use your current picture. Even if you have a current picture mixed in with a bunch of older pictures when you're styled and coiffed with freshly dyed hair, you don't want to risk the guy feeling deceived about your appearance. I say risk rejection upfront instead of in person. So the only pics of me are with my skunk stripe.

I had one guy- intelligent, cute, interesting and very interested writing me. Huh, looks promising. And then he tells me how he likes older women. I scratch my head, not feeling like 38 is 'older.' I look at his profile and it says he's 34, not exactly young enough to be my son, so I call him on it. Oops! he forgot to update his profile and he's really 24. Good grief.

Okay yes, the silver will affect every aspect in your life in some way. I had my opinion of grey hair before I stopped the dye and I can't expect the world to become enlightened overnight. But the biggest change comes from the fact that I stopped coloring for ME. I had been coloring my hair for everyone else, or at least what I thought was expected or wanted of me. And the biggest change is that I have a peace and comfort in myself- even with my awkward hair. And I'm kind of addicted to this doing things for me business. It kind of kicks ass.

So regardless of what some guy thinks of grey hair, they see ME, not some airbrushed girl who is afraid to state an opinion or pretending to be whatever the guy wants so he'll choose her. I don't have to play games because I'm very much myself. Instead of spending all this time trying to anticipate what strangers might possibly like, I can spend more time being a good person and dedicating myself to things that matter and are authentic. I chose me and that's really all that matters.

Family... Sigh

One thing that will be an inevitable part of anyone's journey in the greying process is to deal with family. Sigh... The sigh goes with it and will always go with it. Unfortunately you will have at least one close family member that just zings you and criticizes your choice to go grey. They will think they are doing you a favor (at best), but will most likely be so used to taking your relationship for granted that they will have no idea about boundaries.

My biggest boulder is my dad. I call him my boulder because with these crazy negative voices we have going on in our heads, there are usually some origins. One of those origins is my father. He is not known as a cuddly or congratulatory man. In fact, he has never said a word of praise about me to my face. Rumor has it others have heard positive comments said about me from my dad, but the stoic Midwestern way of fathers is to keep said information from the true recipient. Unfortunately praise is among  a stack of necessary skills that my dad is missing.

So it is with little surprise that when my father saw me for the first time since I stopped coloring a comment was made about grey hair looking "old." I have no doubt I brought up my hair in some context (because I freakin' LOVE my hair). However, there was nothing constructive about his comments. I told him I look younger with it and that I get compliments all the time. He said anyone that would compliment me on my hair was crazy. There was a slight back peddling on his part to say that ANYONE complimenting another on their HAIR was just plain weird. It ended in me telling him that I could care less of his opinions on my hair so his comments were moot.

I felt pretty low after leaving there, and every silver sister has had a similar experience. As one sister said so well, "the world isn't ready for us" (thanks Elo!). But there is a great light at the end of this dark tunnel. When you are feeling the aftershock of being blasted, it's a great opportunity to re-evaluate what control another person has over your feelings. Is it a stranger that made that comment? Did you respond? More importantly, did you tell said stranger that they were out of line? And what about your family or friend. Did that person make you feel like you were 8 years old? How did you respond?

I will say this: what started out feeling like a really low point and a step backward became a real opportunity for growth. I took that opportunity to once and for all evaluate why one man's limited viewpoint would affect me. Once I gave that a hard look, the feeling dissipated.

I guess the main thing to remember with all of these posts is that the experiences I have in this process are the same experiences that every silver sister has. There are highs and lows to the whole process. Some may see this as a low point but it was a great triumph for me; it finally made me deal with a much deeper issue and I came out stronger than ever. The world may not be ready for us but they will have to adjust.

Whodatunkit?

Last week was a good week. Scratch that. Last week was a GREAT week. My whole perspective was changed and I finally got the answer to the whole purpose of this blog once and for all.

Let's backtrack a bit. I am an introvert. I get exhausted being around people 24/7. My dream job would be to lock myself away in the archives, yet my reality is that I'm a very social person. It's somewhat exhausting but has progressed me to the title of "Functional Introvert." So to go out to concerts, dinner, or movies by myself is on one hand fine with me. On the other hand, it's more fun to experience it with someone. However I was looking forward to going to the concert and later to the ballet.

I started off going to a concert by myself. I go every time this band comes to town and always seem to run into friends and have a good time. This year it was a last minute gig and none of my friends could make it but I was looking forward to it all the same. That whole day I had been in a great mood. I was talking to my sister as I was walking up to the pub and she was cracking me up. So I sat about a 1/4 of a block down from the entrance to finish my conversation with her.

As I did I became aware that the band was unloading but a couple of them stopped and stared. I thought it was something behind me but no, there was no one behind me. I was getting checked out. As I went into the bar I staked out a good area to set my beer on and enjoy the show. The concert was good but nothing could compete with the guy doing his best impersonation of Molly Ringwald's dance in The Breakfast Club, compiled with random jumps and herkie kicks to round it out. Counter that to his partner who was doing some sort of Wiccan conjuring spell dance and you've got a good evening's worth of entertainment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZINZmN1_GM

This all being said, I was in a great mood and had no problem talking to people and they seemed to gravitate toward me. When I left, I was on the sidewalk and one of the band members looked me over long and hard- he did not give a crap about my hair. Had it not been a work night I would have returned the gaze (with some embarrassment) but I needed bedtime. That was a great victory because it really IS all about attitude and energy. If you're in a great mood, people find that a magnet and they want to be around it. I am not a classic beauty, I have 20 pounds I would be happy to donate to anyone willing, and it didn't matter. I was happy and fun and THAT'S what made me attractive that night.

So on to the ballet. Quite a different social engagement. I went with a friend and afterwards we went to a nearby hotel for a drink. There was a gala fundraiser going on and many drunken debutantes pouring out of the ballroom. Really, you'd think with all that money they would learn to hold their liquor. Some girls sat on the floor, draped over their date's lap whilst their friends pulled down their dresses. Other girls were borderline belligerent and assaulting eligible bachelors and trapping them into corners, poor dears.

And even though the lighting was BAD and my hair looked like a creamsicle (trust me, those elderly women all took notice and politely turned away), I think I was still preferable to an amateur drunk. Yay, points for me! All kidding aside, the only ones who notice or care about your skunk stripe are women. When men notice it on me, they either love it or don't really care. Some may notice and not care for it, but I have never received a negative comment from a man nor a negative look. I think it just helps if you show it off. Don't try to hide it or conceal it- it's there and it's intentional (unfortunate yet intentional). Once you stand up for yourself everyone will fall in line.