Starting Fresh

This past week has been a whirlwind: packing, movers, cleaning and handing back the keys to my craptastic apartment, relocating to the DC area, and closing on a home. Whew! A lot to be sure. 

I'm currently typing this on my smart phone and sitting on my stairs as I have no internet and furniture until next week. Michelle has explored every inch of the parquet floors and chooses a sentinel position in front of the back door. Apparently this is the best lookout for the enemy squirrel. 

I think how different this place is from my old place in North Carolina. The apartment was made of papier-mâché and I would have an endless stream of noise from the stomping up the stairs to the neighbors blasting their music at all hours. 

This place in VA brings a whole new set of noises: hundreds upon hundreds of birds cacophoning and the weird bark of squirrels. Kids playing at games in the courtyard (and not sitting in front of a tv all day!!) and the stream of friendly neighbors coming in to introduce themselves and welcome us to the neighborhood. 

Welcome to my own bit of heaven. 

Frizzy Friday

In my quest to avoid the hard stuff during my move to Washington DC (i.e. sorting, donating, purging, cleaning, etc.) I have decided to post more than usual. In fact, I'm trying to procrastinate through this post just so I won't have to go through closets and I can watch old episodes of Monarch of the Glen.

Today I am writing about the annoyance of frizzy hair. I currently live in a swamp- Southern heat followed by heavy humidity. Yes you get dewy skin but the hair suffers. I really don't know how I survived it last year with short hair. In a couple of weeks I will be moving to DC- slightly less heat (very slightly) with an impending thunderstorm every night. Sigh. I hate Summer. Although my hair is not as frizzy as it once was, it is finer hair now so there is a frizzitude or shall we call it, frizz tendency? Here is a picture of what this humidity is doing to my hair. Ugh.

Okay I need help and fast. This is what happens to hair (that was just FLAT IRONED this morning!!!!) when one lives in humid cesspools of air that you must swim through. Anyhoo... what in the world should I do with my hair?!

I am at a point where I have no particular style. You can see on the right side of my hair that there are bangs that are growing out (my fault, I got scissor happy). You can also (kind of) tell that my hair is not completely devoid of leftover dye. I have up to 3 inches in the back but since it's in the back, I don't care too much.

Now, should I get a trim and let the bangs catch up? Or should I bite down on the leather strap and wait it out a bit, depending on the pony tail as my default hair style? Bear in mind that I have a wedding to attend in a month and I'd like to be able to dance and have a great time, not worrying that my hair looks like a giant q-tip.

So in my utter shock that there are people that read my blog, I am calling on you to advise me on my current hair situation. Post suggested hair styles, comments, suggestions- I need them.

Ms. Stark Goes to Washington

Will my career be over if I go grey?

I used to have these concerns and when I told my sister 21 months ago that I was giving up the dye she asked this very question. But I just refused to believe that I had to make personal choices such as hair color to fit the needs of everyone else. This went with dating and every other aspect in my life.

I've been in my current position for 8 years and over 10 years with the same agency. It's had its ups and downs (as does everything) but I felt like my life was in a rut. Because it was. I never bought a home here and when I looked into it I realised that Raleigh was not meant to be a permanent resting place for me. As soon as I had awareness of this I started job searching.

Many things happened to tell me it was not the right time to move: my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer- she came to live with me and received the best treatment in the world at Duke Cancer. I panicked about a job offer 6 months after my mom passed- I needed stability after losing my mom and a move would not have healed me. The job market dried up- I needed to be clearer about my goals and visions and open myself to possibilities.

This all sounds so positive when I write about it but I was unhappy for a lot of the time. Something switched this year and I FELT different; I felt like everything in my life was about to change. Sure enough some great opportunities in my field came up. At that time my Supervisor gave me advice on how to improve my resume (she was a tremendous help) and I made the cut for a record (a record for me) 6 jobs! Then I had an interview for a promotion in Headquarters and after that I was in wait mode.

Out of the hundreds that applied to this position, 26 made the cut. The Supervisor took the top 10 and I felt lucky to just make that interview cut. I have worked with several of the people in this office (as all the interview candidates have) and I didn't think I would get the job... BUT I DID!! I am moving to Washington DC in May!!!

What does this have to do with grey hair?
There are people on this team in Washington that have seen me and know I'm growing out my grey. The last time they saw me I had a 3 inch skunk stripe. Grey hair didn't make a damn bit of difference (even in that horrid grow-out stage) and doesn't make a damn bit of difference now. I just got the promotion of a lifetime- I could retire on this, and I have grey hair. Don't ever let anyone tell you that in order to (insert bizarre demand here) you must adhere to any rule. Life is too short to be dependent on everyone else's definition of "shoulds."

So as I felt a month ago when I said I was in the calm before the storm, I am now in the storm: moving, seeing friends before I go, house hunting, finishing up work... try not to take it in all at once! Well, I'll be off to new adventures soon. A whole new chapter awaits!

Shot Through the Heart

I have a great stitch 'n bitch friend (that's how we knitters can pretend we're cool). We meet up, knit, make snarky and sarcastic jokes, and have a great time. I used to think I was alone in knitting to Iron Maiden's The Trooper but Stephanie shares that slightly odd visual. Stephanie is also a licensed handgun instructor and let's face it, one badass chick.

Wha--?? You're starting to think. What does this have to do with greying and/or dating?? Well for one, it goes to show that you can't put a silver sister in a box. And two, I think I've figured out yet another reason why I might be single. You see, I'm a hell of a shot. My first time holding a real gun and I hit every target I aimed for. Apparently the "heart shot" right in the center of the chest is my best shot. I managed to get 8 out of 10 bullets in exactly the same place. I gotta admit, I feel pretty bad-ass about that.

One thing that I think people misunderstand is that taking a gun safety class isn't about some American stereotype of a gunslinging extremist. It's about gun safety. If you want to hunt, then you should be a hell of a marksman (in order to not make your future meal suffer). If you want to have target practice at the gun range, then you should safely be able to handle a gun. If you will ever be around a gun in the future, you should be intelligent about how to operate a gun so that no one gets hurt in some accident.

I know a lot of people shoot at the range for some sense of empowerment but that really wasn't what I was aiming for. I just wanted to not be scared of guns and to be intelligent around them. And that's where Stephanie really comes in. She's very good about gauging your comfort and expertise level. She goes at a customized pace and really makes sure you understand every sequence. By the time you go through the sit-down education piece, you feel comfortable and ready to go to the range and try target shooting for yourself.

Stephanie also lets you try several of her own guns out: 22 caliber, 9 mm, 380, .357, and 38 caliber. It's a nice range of guns (an arsenal if you will) and you feel what you're comfortable with. She's very relaxed about the whole thing which immediately made me feel more relaxed. Here's a video below, going for the "throat." Within a couple of hours I went from being terrified of having a gun in my presence, to looking and feeling very natural (see video). I credit this ALL to Stephanie. So if you're in the area (or even if you're not), contact Stephanie at Powder Puff Pistol Training (love that name) by email or phone: wstephanier@gmail.com or (919) 880-7410. She'll answer any questions you may have about gun safety. I now have a new hobby. Thanks, Steph!!

A Game of Thrones Analogy

My last name is Stark and I've always loved my surname as it means Herculean strength. But now there is a whole culture out there that loves my last name too. They fall into one of two categories: the Iron Man crowd or the Winterfell crowd. The Iron Man crowd liken me to the secret wife of Tony Stark. You mean Robert Downey Jr? Hell yeah!! I can get on board with that. The other group sees me as Winterfell's heroes the Stark family. You mean a royal family with direwolves and Jamie Sives playing Jory to serve me? Hell yeah!! I can get on board with that too.

Season 4 (FINALLY!!) is coming out tonight and since I have to somehow relate this to greying and dating (aside from dating Jamie Sives- yes, I have my OWN fantasy version of the series), I am going to use the Game of Thrones approach to explain how I feel about the greying process.

Anyone who has read or watched the HBO version of this George R R Martin series knows that there are unpredictable twists and turns, and it has become an epic story. Oh gosh, I am such a nerd. In fact I'm nerdy enough to have superimposed my photo on top of Catelyn Stark's. In fact I'm kind of loving this silver against the pelt and think I need a faux fur version to keep... Here are some main themes I see in common with Game of Thrones and growing out the grey:

Who do you trust?
In GoT (I'm really not going to spell out this series each time) you find from your first betrayal that no one can really trust anyone. So far the direwolves are faithful but who knows what's to come in future books- maybe the wolves will turn after all. Sansa is betrayed by everyone, Eddard is killed early on (how do you kill off the main character??), and even Jon Snow doesn't know whom to trust. This also happens very early on in the greying process- your closest friends and family turn on you when they realise you're serious about this decision. Husbands get surly, parents become condescending, and best friends become flat-out rude. I think I might prefer Jory's sword in the eye to some of these snarky and cutting comments I've received. Fortunately, they have been far fewer than the hundreds of accolades, compliments, and support I've received so I'll live to see another adventure.

The twists and turns
One never knows what to expect next in GoT. Will there be a new religion? Will there be Whitewalkers and Others? Will there be some new sort of shape shifter or beastie? Honestly, I couldn't imagine some of the things that Georgie comes up with. This is also true with grey hair. From month to month I have no idea what to expect. I take a picture on my anniversary each month (the 4th) and when I look at the signature line of all 15 photos I see radically different hair. Some months it looks more taupe, some it looks like two wide silver streaks surrounded by a back of pewter, and still others it looks moonlight. Let us not mention how fluorescent lighting makes it look- ick. I still have no more idea how the ending of my hair will be any more than I know how GoT will end.

Alright, let's end this story already!
There's a point in GoT when you're screaming at George to just get to the friggin' point already! I no longer care about Daenarys and her damn dragons and I sure as hell don't care about any of these new characters in book 5. All I want is for Tyrion to triumph and Arya to snuggle her direwolf (minus my imagined scene of the direwolves going on a human-killing spree). This is also the most essential feeling of the greying process- get to the friggin' end already! My patience is tested time and time again, but lately it's getting downright hostile. I don't want anymore twists and turns, I want to see the final result. Because even when I'm done, there's all this time to adjust, re-evaluate my wardrobe now that I'm a completely different color scheme, and really own my silver as part of my identity.

However, much like GoT, I can't just stop. Even though I'm bored as hell with the greying process and I'm bored as hell with GoT after book 5, I just can't stop. I'm too far in. I'm too invested. And even though I will graduate long before George Martin writes a chapter for book 6, I will still see many more twists, turns, and adventures with my grey. At least I know I have one happy ending to look forward to.

Winter Blues and Target

I am dedicating this post to my friend, Llynn. She is in a dreaded grow out stage. You know when people (i.e. Moi) tell you that after 8 months it's all downhill? Okay that's PARTIALLY true. At the 8-month mark you are less aware of the stripe and it feels easy breezy. And then month 8, week 3 arrives and you find yourself cursing like a sailor which, contrary to popular belief, does not actually help your hair grow.

Now Llynn has been smart to just let her hair grow out. She started out brunette and those ends have since faded revealing some GORGEOUS silver coming in (see pics below- gorgeous!!). She already has soft, (what the Gilmore Girls would call) shiny Harvard hair. So the silver really is smooth and silky.

Llynn is at her 12-month mark and Happy Anniversary!! She is also going through the Winter blues and feeling like her hair is looking more dingy (note din-jee not deen-gee) than fabulous. Let's look at some factors here: we’ve had a long Winter and have all been on a weather rollercoaster for heaven knows how many months. It's April and we're expecting snow again. Where are we, Colorado?? Llynn also identified another enemy to silver hair: indoor fluorescent lighting. If it’s Winter and you only go out to get the shopping done then you only see yourself under these harsh yellowing lights. No wonder we feel sallow!

With Llynn her ends are blonde-to-light-brown so the stripe isn’t as harsh. The downfall is that the blonde casts an overall yellowed effect on her hair. The pic to the right correctly shows how fabulous her silver is (see right) but the wrong lighting will reflect those dyed ends back to the roots. With a higher contrast of dyed to virgin grey (such as black) the hair may look more pewter or more white, with red the hair looks more taupe and peach.

So what do you do to freshen and lighten up the hair a bit? I suggest getting a trim at this point of the process. You don’t have to cut inches upon inches off but even ONE little inch and you’ll reveal a lighter shade. Every new month and every new cut reveals a slightly lighter, slightly more radiant version of silver.

HOWEVER if you're still on the fence of whether grey is right for you, why not do a wash-out rinse? Now I'm not an advocate of dye nor am I against it but I've seen a lot of wobbles and a lot of regrets with hasty decisions. That's why I don't recommend a major cut or permanent hair dye. There are temporary rinses that are supposed to shampoo out with every wash (note that this will not work for you if you are allergic to dye). Roux Fanciful is the one I know of (don't use the mousse but just the rinse). Take a sample of hair and if you don't want to cut a sample of that hard-won silver, take some spare from your hairbrush. Soak the sample in some Roux and let it dry over a couple of days. Also, keep some un-Rouxed hair for a later comparison.

Now shampoo the Rouxed sample- did it totally rinse out? Is it slightly tinted? If you wash it with baking soda or purple shampoo is it still tinted? If you answered yes then put the Roux away. If it washed out, why not try it on your hair and see if you like that better than the silver? Remember to look at yourself on a bright sunny day and compare before or after (pics are a great way to do this). This will direct you in your next decision.

My guess is that you’ll see how the silver plays with your skin tone and compare it to the temporary color-washed look and you’ll determine what you like better. After all, the choices you make should be what you’re comfortable with, not something that you do to make others happy. Llynn is one of my favorite people on Café Gray (and that says a lot). Her support and cheers have been invaluable through my grow-out process. So next time you see Llynn (you’ll know her, she’s a gorgeous woman and very petite at that) you will see a beautiful advocate for the silver sisters. Make sure to congratulate her on her 1-year anniversary!

Kansas vs. the World

I am a proud product of the Midwest, more specifically, Kansas. It may be (touristically speaking) a pass-through state for most and the politics may be way too conservative for me, but it's where I was born and raised and it will always be home. Since I just returned from a visit there I thought it appropriate to share a refreshed perspective on my native Kansans.

I haven't lived there for 15 or so years and in that time have moved all over: from studying in London, living in the Southwest, Northwest, NYC, Pittsburgh, DC, blah blah blah, and now the South. I need not mention them all. I have discovered the good, the bad, and the ugly of all these places but it's also helped me to appreciate what it is about being a Kansan that makes me so unique.

Let's compare a Kansas woman to a North Carolina woman: if I go to the auto mechanic in Kansas they tell me what needs to be done, how they came up with the diagnostic, and what got it there. If I go to an auto mechanic in the South (i.e. NC) they ask to talk to my father. If I go to a meeting in Kansas I am just another of many women who have held positions of power (and my predecessors exceeded me plenty by becoming Supreme Court Justices, Governors, Congresswomen). If I go to a meeting in the South they think I'm there to take the minutes. Sigh. It might as well be 1942 here.

But the most glaring difference of all is the dating habits of women in Kansas vs. well, everywhere else. *Disclaimer*- I think most Midwestern girls can fit into this category too. Here in NC, for example, women are brought up to dream about marriage and babies and there seems to be no blinking when a 40-year-old man hits on an 18-year-old child. Ewww! Bleachhh. Yukkity yuk. They talk in circles, have a passive stance, and they love masculine men that will take care of them. The upside is that women are uber feminine and play the coquette very well. There seems to be no shortage of men sniffing at their heels. The downfall is it seems like there is only one goal and it must be achieved at all costs.

A Kansas woman is very different. We were brought up to be 100% self-reliant. We were expected to achieve goals, go to college, and take care of ourselves. Family was just going to fit in somewhere in that career. The good news is that I felt the equity between men and women, I had the confidence to achieve my goals, and I have an undeniably good work ethic. The downside is that marriage and family was sort of an after-thought that never got prioritized. And even though I love the masculine men they often feel in competition with a strong woman. 

So, what is a girl from Kansas to do? 

Determine What Type of Man You Would Like 

Do you like the masculine, leader type? Or do you like the passive, effeminate type? Everyone has their preference but I like masculine types only and tend to not respect passive types. Okay, so what is a good complement for a strong, masculine type? A soft, feminine woman.
Example: I have attracted men who skip with their toes pointed and men who could wrestle bears. Which have had the staying power? the latter of course! However if I'm always taking charge an exerting take-charge, masculine behavior, it's the *sigh* skippers I'll attract. 

Change Your Behavior 

What does a self-reliant woman do? She takes care of everything. But if there's a partner in your life he needs a role. He needs an EQUAL role, I should add. And if you like masculine men he's not going to be ordered into a role that you determine. So learn to accept help, show appreciation for gestures such as his holding the door for you, listen more and talk less, and cease competitive behavior.
Example: if I see everything as a competition then I will at best be one of the guys (and he will have 0% sexual interest in me) or at worst an annoying little pain that puts him off dating altogether. Either way with that behavior, I would end up alone. 

Learn to Love the Differences 

When I first heard (repeatedly) variations of the above statements, I got rather riled. Did this mean I was going to have to change into a ditzy child, pretending to be helpless? Um, no. It means that I made space for a partner. I appreciate and encourage a man who takes initiative, who has goals, who has independence himself. I also have a partner I support (and in turn get support from) and one whom I respect. Every relationship I have we have different roles but when you work as a team there's room for you both to grow and shine.
Example: Once I learned to look at the differences between healthy relationships, I could begin to see what the traits are of men that I'm looking for. And when I'm in a relationship and he has certain strengths, great! He can do that and I'll spend more time on other areas. You both don't have to be the leading expert in everything.

I think the key here is not that you have to change yourself but more be aware of how your actions impact others. What are you really saying when you have a competition about who knows more about Rugby tackle tactics (*sigh* yes, I've done that) and really, who the hell cares? Know the traits you seek and encourage them. Appreciate that your beau is going to be a partner and not someone you would emasculate. So that's my advice for a "Kansas" girl. Learn to accept some help, sit back and enjoy!