Monday, December 29, 2014

Men Acting as Women III

Just because a man has interest and attention galore for you does not mean that you have to accept it. You can appreciate the experience and move on to a healthy and balanced relationship. Just because their insecurities rage at every perceived and real rejection, it is necessary for them to go through this, as it also is not your responsibility to nurse them through. 

This may sound harsh but I'm finding that there is nothing more important than having HEALTHY, make that H.E.A.L.T.H.Y. relationships. I've spent a lifetime getting to this realization, all from unhealthy family, friend, and lover relatiosnhips, to learning boundaries, to exercising my right to be exclusive about those that I spend time with.

I remember seeing girls that would get these guys panting after them and think, these bitches get all the men. But it's not that simple. I mean these may be good men in one sense but they're really insecure and shooting themselves in the foot. Ergo, they're good men in an unhealthy state of mind. These women weren't really bitches either. They were great women who were looking for men in healthy states of mind. 

Have you ever met a guy you really liked and you just tried too hard? You're sure that you just needed to convince him of your fabulosity and he would readily swoon. Has that ever worked? Of course not! He saw you as insecure and in an unhealthy state. Looking back, I see I did this and I always thought, "His loss." No, he didn't lose out on anything except my insecurity. I may be fabulous, we all are, but when those guys that were in a good place rejected me it made me fight through my insecurities. Those were great life lessons. Had they indulged me I think it would have led to dependency on them in the relationship. 

This awareness led to this slew of men my friends and I are attracting- they're fabulous men in unhealthy states. They need to work through their issues in order to really bring something great to a relationship. 

My Jordanian, AnnMarie's Robbie- these are great men with passion, drive, and love to give. But it's not healthy. And this is so important to remember when this happens to you and you start to second-guess your choices. For example, after "Jordie's" meltdown we talked this over. He's not in a great place in his life and it seems that he was putting too much stock on his happiness with me equaling happiness in life. I can't make him happy in himself; no one can do that but him. However, that doesn't stop me from second-guessing myself thinking that I am putting up walls, looking for flaws, and turning away from ultimate happiness. Or worse, thinking that I'm sabotaging a great relationship. 

And then I snap out of it. 

There's this Buddhist saying that goes 'Help those in need and not the needy.' I struggled with that for a long time trying to distinguish the two. When a person is in need it's a temporary and momentary blip. A person in need is that someone in front of you in the checkout line who forgot their wallet so you get their $35 groceries for them, they fell in the street so you help them up and carry their bags, they lost a loved one so you comfort and support them. A NEEDY person is someone that takes a need and makes it a permanent state of mind. S/he always has something going wrong and leans on anyone who will listen. They're the one who never has money yet they do nothing about their financial situation and wait for others to pick up their tab, they're the ones who have health issues but eat at Taco Bell every day, they're the ones who attract drama in their life and, frankly, they love the drama. 

I'm okay to hang out with Jordie. I'm okay to help Jordie with his resume. I'm okay to develop a great friendship with Jordie and who knows? It could develop into something. Someday. But dating him as he is right now? I think that would throw too much dependency- dependency on things going well and going fast, dependency on being the one close person to him here, etc. Right now he's more needy than in need. And dependency just becomes resentment once he gets his life in a healthy state of mind. After all, he's fabulous but just in an unhealthy state.

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