What Not to Wear

I recently had my colors done. Do you remember when someone in your family went to the Estee Lauder table in the '80s and were told what season they are? Because I was a ginger it was just assumed that I was an "Autumn" and that meant I could wear brick reds, browns, and earthy tones. What did that mean now that I am a silver? See, I got into this bad habit of dressing per my hair color. I kept the same makeup thinking that it had worked in the past and really I was hit or miss when it came to clothes.

None of this really bothered me until last year when I knitted my first cardigan. I had carefully picked out this super cool yarn, spent countless hours knitting everything and then wore it exactly twice. Two F#@^ing times. You see, the muted greyish purple makes me look like a cadaver. I look as dull as the grey and so it has respectfully been put in the back of my closet knowing it will never see the light of day again.

THAT was what piqued my interest in having a personal color analyst evaluate me. So I drove up with a fellow silver sister to Philadelphia to get a 12 Blueprint analysis. I would like to buy clothes and makeup and yarn that looks amazing on me, not just spend all this time and money and it sit in the back of the closet.

I'm not sure what I expected. I saw subtle differences in the colors on my friend, but even that took awhile for me to grasp. Then more and more you could see how some hues worked and some REALLY didn't. When it was my turn I had nothing but a grey smock and head wrap and a giant mirror. THEN I saw the power of color. The light grey put on me made me look like a corpse. The brown was so awful that both the analyst and my friend cringed and turned away.

Most colors fell under the following: I look like a corpse; I look right out of the Grapes of Wrath; I look like I'm wearing baby Easter clothes; I look like a freakin' rock star. I chose the colors that fit in the latter category and it turns out that this color wheel is Bright Winter. Now some winters and autumns looked okay but the difference lie in colors that made my skin a bit duller, the eyes darker, and the rock star palate which made my eyes a million vibrant shades, my skin luminous, and my fine lines disappear. It really was as extreme as that. And this is what I recommend to you. A color that looks wonderful on you makes your eyes look brilliant.

I would say that it was surprisingly emotional. Knowing that I have never looked 100% my best is well... humbling, to say the least. None of my makeup worked and even the 2% that did never went with the rest of my makeup. More on this in the near future, but here is a look at my drapings. The first pic is that awful brown and look at the difference in how dull my skin looks as opposed to the following pics; it's the same lighting, just the pure effect of color.

Settle Down

Remember when you were a kid and thought the world was yours to grab? It may be a cultural thing but I know Americans are taught that at birth. The higher you reach, the greater your accomplishment. We were expected to dream big and the more obnoxious you were, it was simply labeled "precocious." This might be one of the many things that annoy the world to no end about the US. Because those that continue that line of thinking become quite entitled and vocal about it. For the rest of us we learn at some point that maybe we can’t have the world. Maybe we should settle.

It’s in this phrase that’s been bothering me for a little while. Now that I’m officially 40, do I settle? Should I return interest to that 50-something man who already has grown children and we have okay conversation, and I’m not very attracted to him… should I settle because he’s so into me??? Even writing that down I have a shudder of denial pulsing through me. First of all, I don’t even know if I can have kids. It may be a moot point. Second, I don’t mind if a guy has kids of his own. It’s not ideal but it’s not a deal breaker. But the idea of settling for someone I’m not really into, I just can’t do it.

Recently I posted my type. Those are not hard and fast rules, just what gets my blood boiling. I’ve certainly had just as much interest in someone who doesn’t fit any of those molds. But I had to remind myself of an email I sent to a friend who was dealing with a similar dilemma. Enter Brenda, an extremely successful, beautiful, witty, and adventurous woman living in California. She is always traveling the world, cycling, trying new things, in fantastic shape, and she supports herself to a rich lifestyle. How is this girl available?? She wasn’t connecting with the men in her life on all levels: head, body, and heart. I am paraphrasing from a great book called The Tao of Love of what happens when you have only 2 out of the 3 elements with a partner:

Head and Heart
You become like brother and sister. He may be your best friend but there’s little to no sexual chemistry. You feel like you have to take the reins in everything and become resentful. Your partner now seems weak and you are constantly distracted to men who are the opposite of your partner.

Head and body
This is where most young people get caught up. You have great sex and great conversations but when it comes to hard times one of you grows distant and/or you just can’t connect. You crave a deeper connection and this lacking connection translates as apathetic or even hostile. Any rough patch and your relationship falls apart.

Heart and body
You love this guy, and the sex is great. However he really can’t hold up his end of the conversation. He feels intimidated by your intellect or you dumb yourself down so he doesn’t resent you. Then you resent him. Since you're one fantastic chica, you are frustrated and unfulfilled.

I have been in each of these relationships and I’m glad I’m not in any of them now. I recently have started a flirtation with a very attractive man that gets my blood boiling. Knowing that I can feel that way, why should I settle for a man that I would just go through the motions with? I’m not saying anything will come of Mr. Flirtation but it was a timely lesson to me that I should never settle for less than the trifecta.

How To Tame Your Cowlick (or Catholic to autocorrect!)

I recently went to see How To Train Your Dragon. It was adorable and I feel no guilt in seeing it in 3D. I love the concept of Medieval Vikings drag racing dragons. Actually when I put the words down it seems downright dorky but it is actually a clever and cute movie.

Much like the wild and unruly dragons of the Nordic world, my cowlick is even more unruly. Any silver sister has noticed a change in the hairline since they stopped coloring their hair. Mostly, they notice a lot more growth. Mine came in the form of a huge white clump of hair- baby fine, and forming at the left corner of my temple. I also have the "wiry greys" that everyone talks about. I call them my wild little forest children. They're absolutely crazy looking until they grow out and become assimilated into the rest of your hairline.

My clump of white hair at the temple has become the bane of my existence. This is also more commonly known as the cowlick. I have done all kinds of bizarre things in order the tame it: I've tried talking reason to it, trying to force it into submission with every styling tool under the sun, and apparently screaming and yanking at it. All to no avail.

So I politely asked- okay, inappropriately cornered and held captive- my hairdresser and asked him how to tame my cowlick once and for all. Basically there are two ways: either crisscross your hair wet and keep them in barrettes and let air dry; or you need to blow-dry it into submission.

Here are a series of pics before and after. HORRIBLE pics but it describes my rather remedial process that everyone on earth knows but me.But for my own sake I will write out the process.

After applying heat protection product, start by blowing your cowlick section to the front. Then blow dry it to the opposite side of your part until it's almost dry, and then finally blow dry it the side you want. As you can see the first pic shows what happens if I leave the cowlick to form a coup. The second pic it's wet and rebelling. But by the final pic- voila! I have beaten it into submission!!

What Do I Want?

Now that I have established a “type” I am learning more and more about what I want (and don’t). We learn this at different stages in our lives and I think I’ve always felt that you really need only examine yourself once. As any divorcee knows, this is not the truth and yet I am still going on the reflections I had as a 20-something. I am now officially 40 and since then have been through a lot of breakups, a lot of moves, a lot of maturing in both my career and my personal life, forgiveness and letting go, and the life-altering depth of growth one experiences when losing their beloved mother too early in life. 

All of these changes (and more) have occurred since I really took a hard look at what I want in life romantically, and yet I have constantly re-evaluated where I want to call home or what role my career plays in my life. Although I know that there will be changes in my outlook as long as I continue to breathe, I think the stage I’m currently in is maybe the most important and defining stage to set the rest of my life by. 

What I want in my home is to have a safe and peaceful environment, one where my dog has room to run and meet other friendly dogs, a reasonable commute, character and charm, and a community of friendly neighbors. Tall order, huh? And yet that is exactly what I have and more. What I want in my career is a place where I am respected, have a chance to build my skills in varying areas, earn a comfortable living, have room for advancement, have some level of autonomy, not have to take my work home with me, and have a chance to be creative. Another tall order? Yet I have all of this and more. 

So what do I want in my personal life? I am a person who would rather have a small set of fantastic friends rather than a mass entourage of superficial ones. The ego of having x amount of facebook friends holds no weight with me and I limit my time on social media to intermittent at best. I have also learned the quiet from not having someone to relay EVERY event of my life with someone. My sister may disagree seeing our daily talks as evidence to the contrary but only my mom and I know this to be very true, as she VERY patiently listened to every detail of my life set out before her. Hindsight is 20/20 and I only wish that I would have spent a lifetime listening more and talking less. So although I don’t want a Samuel Pepys account of my life, it would be nice to have a small group of people to share that life with; to balance somewhere between motoring through life together and brinking on over-analysis. I want neither of those extremes but rather a healthy sharing of our lives. I want this healthy balance with my family, friends, and a partner. 

With my family I have weaned from some of the more co-dependent relationships that run so common in my relatives, despite their attempts to hold fast. My relationships with some of the historically (shall we say strained?) relationship have improved simply by letting go and working on forgiveness. And my sister, whom I’m closest to, has been a daily commitment at building our relationship. We both work at it. I used to have a huge entourage of friends of varying degrees in closeness. Instead of lumping them all into an ego-mass of facebook likes, I distinguish and embrace them for what we are to each other. I have close friends who are like family to me, though they are few. I have friends who are more likely to be there just to meet up for a drink and watch a game. I have other friends who share one aspect in commonality and we will build our strength and knowledge in that area by a sharing of ideas. All of these friends have great value, but I no longer hold each to be the end-all in every aspect of a friend. For instance, someone I meet up with to just watch soccer matches I’m not going to necessarily be able to relay the pain of loss or wanting to understand a deeper level of hesychasm. We may relay on those levels or we may not, but our lack of delving past a somewhat superficial connection is fine as it is and accepted as such. 

From a romantic partner it gets a bit more complicated. I’ve dated to date and am really past that. I don’t need to try out different types of men just for the sake of knowing myself. Been there too. No I’m at a point where I would like a partner in life and perfectly happy to remain single rather than marry the wrong person. This reflection came about from a series of little things that just kept niggling at me. One friend saw the blog post and asked me have I ever dated my type. No, I hadn’t. I have dated many men –successful, interesting, educated, attractive- but none that really reflected my type. Mmphm. Also the awareness of how little I could commit to my various duty locations with my job. This constant sense of always being ready for the next move created an environment where I never would allow myself to see the men in my life as anything more than temporary. That has changed with my home purchase. Mmphm. Finally, a line from a tv show that has become my mantra outlines my desire exactly: I am looking for the perfect connection with an imperfect man. Anyone that has this knows what I mean and it’s not looking for Mr. Perfect but rather that connection that makes both your imperfections and his a part of a strong relationship. 

So after some reflection I’ve decided that these are the qualities best for me: someone who likes to learn and open for a bit of adventure. Someone who challenges me to grow as a person; I’m not saying challenge for the sake of challenge or someone who wants to change me or nitpick, but I also don’t want someone who allows my occasional bad behavior and responds only by “yes dear.” I would like someone masculine and sure in himself. This is not the same as an egotistical guy whose statements and actions are based in insecurity but rather someone who is comfortable in his own skin. I want someone who believes in God. How wonderful it would be to find someone in my own faith, but yet I see more the pursuit of a relationship with God and an understanding of that importance in my life (without trying to convert me to Protestantism) far outweigh the actual dogmatic differences. However believing that the bar on Sunday is your church and a sport your religion will not suffice for me. And finally, someone who is committed to working at the relationship. Relationships are work, even under the best of connections and it only works if you’re both committed to making it work. 

So I guess I’m stating the ruminations in my mind mostly to get them out there but also to see how right they feel. What I find odd is that I haven’t done this in 10-15 years. I guess that must show how it wasn’t really a priority in my life until now. But I’m happy to say that just writing this takes off any perceived pressure (mostly self-induced) and actually makes me happy in the place I am now and happy for whatever the future may bring.

The Height of Narcissism

This is a big year for me. Wait, this is about narcissism right? So it should be ME in all capitals. This is the year I turn 40 and it has a lot of meaning attached to it. First of all, I never thought of being about 40. Ever. I don't know what that means for me or my life. Also, what does that mean for certain aspects of my life: dating, marriage, children, career, moving abroad?

I hate those sayings: 40 is the new 20, you're only as old as you feel, age is just a number. Cliché's are, well, so cliché. And unhelpful. So I decided to do a few really cool things to celebrate this birthday.

I will be dye-free, or not
My hairstylist assured me he will cut the last bit of dye out of my hair prior to my birthday in July. Then he saw that it blended in and it won't be all out. But that's okay because I am close. This was a big step to go 100% natural and 100% authentic. I'm not fooling anyone to see a younger version or to try to win anyone over and THEN tell them my age. And the whole lying about your age bit? I'm sorry, but that's absolute crap and I have no patience for that. If someone is going to like you they should like YOU, not some misrepresentation of you. Rant over. Stepped off soapbox.

I am taking a trip
Where should I go? Since I just moved to DC my sister came up. My 30th I was forced to go to a work training and I didn't know anyone. My friend wasn't feeling well and couldn't meet up so I ended up spending it with a bunch of strangers. It sucked and I vowed never to spend another major birthday that way. She surprised me by also bringing my dad and we all had a great time, going to Civil War battlefields and soaking up history. Fantastic. I'm also going to cross off a bucket list item and drive around the Northeast in the Autumn. Fall is my favorite time of year and I'm going to enjoy it in New England with my dog.

I commissioned a portrait

Insert narcissism! Okay, so this has a history. In my family I am often saying that the only purebreds are the horses and the dogs. In addition we have only one commissioned portrait in the family: Amusar, aka Rascal. Rascal was my grandpa's grey Arabian stallion. Yes a horse, and I vowed that Rascal would not be the only grey in the family to have his painting done.

And reveal: This is my favorite artist and he always does these fantastic portraits with gold-leaf hair. So I commissioned a portrait with silver-leafed hair. Not only that but this painting stands nearly four feet tall. Is it me? Well, sort of. It was inspired by his impression of me and there is a mourning dove (my totem) in the painting. So take that, Amusar! You're not the only grey in the family worthy of having their portrait done!!

It is possibly downright silly for me to have had this painting made but I love it. I loved celebrating my 40th. I realize that doors are closing on me in some areas of my life but I choose to celebrate the many accomplishments I've made in my life. I may be flawed as hell but I really do work to be a better person and build a better life. And who knows, maybe doors will open for me now that never would have before?

I Have a Type!!!

When you are young you have nothing but a type in mind and I was no different. I liked what was comfortable and reminded me of where I grew up. Since I grew up in Indian Country (read Native American) that was my type- men with long hair, bronzed skin, shy, and quiet. And never having left the Rez (read reservation).

As I studied abroad my world expanded and I saw people from all over in London. My world expanded and so did my choice in men. I came back and still fell for the Native men but also fell for guys from different backgrounds. As I went to Grad School and Americans were a minority, I discovered a veritable world of Countries and cultures I had scarcely known existed. Getting to know people from all over through shared struggles in the computer lab at 4am (that was most nights), I really bonded with people from all over.

I also developed new interests and now the interests of my 2-dimensional life from before were just... lacking. I also found my theological path through Orthodoxy and that has been the center of my life ever since. That also has changed life for me in all aspects. These major life changes have altered the men I'm attracted to.

I was talking to a friend about men and what we found attractive. She's attracted to what I would describe as "cleanly scrubbed behind the ears," a man who is classically tall, dark, and handsome, perfectly trimmed and very conservative in his dress and appearance. I am attracted to what she would describe as "a destitute vagrant," replete with shaggy hair, beard, and apparently unwashed. I don't know, what does it mean when someone looks at your type and says, "Oh, so you're attracted to a homeless man"?

Anyhoo, now that I know I have a type I am going to describe him: tall, masculine features (no pretty boys- who apparently always have a home to go to), bearded or scruffy, shaggy hair, a guy's guy. If he has dark circles under his eyes that's a boone to me- it's my weird thing so don't judge. Below is a line-up (pun not intended but appropriate) of men I would gape over:

Personally, I think they look less hobo-like and more the type that wrestled a bear and had a shot of vodka all before 9am. To-may-to, to-mah-to, right? There's nothing wrong with a little unwashed scruffiness. So... if any of you know a good guy that resembles my wrestled-with-a-bear-homeless type, send him my way. :)

Emotionally Unavailable

The title says it all, doesn't it? Haven't we all fallen for the emotionally unavailable man? Countless times? Always? No?? Okay, it might just be me. I have often fallen for the emotionally unavailable man because I, too have been among his ranks. For more years than I care to count, I have been in a non-stop transitional stage: moving for grad school, my job constantly moving me around the Country, or my own wanderlust and resistance to settle down. But now I am in a more settled place, I mean I bought property (formerly a subject of blanche-faced horror to me).

 

So as I am in a different state I'm not really into men who are emotionally unavailable. To many this may seem like a smack-me-across-the-face-duh moment, but when I was not ready to commit I certainly didn't want some guy cramping my adventures in vagabonding. But just because I have changed does not mean that the men I attract and am attracted to don't still hold on to some of the dregs of aspects I wanted before. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

 

Enter DC Bachelor 2. He was the second date I went on in the last month. A great guy: ruggedly handsome, secure in his full masculinity, very likely to have wrestled a bear somewhere in his lifetime, and funny as hell. We went out for drinks and had a nice time. From there sprung a series of texts back and forth, mostly pictures of our travels for work and leisure and some funny anecdote.

 

It was great and very comfortable... until I realized that this guy may not be emotionally available. I mean we have both traveled for work and he's been on vacation some but we've only gone on the one date. I see some interest as he continues to contact me but hmm... I think he just isn't 100% there. It caught me off guard seeing this because usually what he's doing is what I would do- when I think of a guy or want that flirting, I text. This may be consistent but there's a wall. Well, my walls are down and I don't have the time or gana to attempt a Don Quixote effort to break through someone else's walls, and vice versa.

 

I'm going to present some examples of emotionally unavailable types here. This may help to discern if you are interested in one of these guys or maybe what your (yes you, missy) patterns are:

 

His main contact is through media and not in person

If you are focused on long-distance types, ahem- you are not totally available. Likewise if you're near someone and they constantly contact you by phone or email, etc. but make not future plans to see you then he's very likely not 100% in it. This is actually something I can be accused of. I used to love these sort of long-distance relationships. Sometimes it was the constant when my job was moving me every 3 months, sometimes it was out of laziness, sometimes habit. Mostly it was getting an emotional fix on my time. Either way I wasn't 100% in it and I was just going through the motions.

 

You never know too much about him

Oh this reminds me of Flyboy, a guy I have known for a few years. He wanted to hang out but it was sporadic. I thought he wasn't into me so I let it go but he would never stop contacting me, even when I ignored him. I never knew much about his life and I always felt a wall. I mean I had to ask if he was married or had several lovely yet illegitimate children. The truth was not as interesting as my version of a polygamist running state borders but I have never figured that guy out. He wasn't after sex, I'm not sure what he was after. Regardless, he was emotionally unavailable in the extreme.
 

He has an on-again, off-again girlfriend

Even if he's technically free he really isn't free emotionally. He still carries the dregs of that relationship and is constantly comparing the two of you. Even if you always come out ahead in the game (and OF COURSE you do), he's still seeing her a bit when he looks at you. Baby Boy has issues. We're talking about someone who needs some serious couch therapy (the psychiatric kind). Yes we could all use some therapeutic tweaks but if he seems to easily fall into the bad boy category... well, he has other things to focus on and your only role is NOT to try and "save" him; a role which neither he wants nor should you desire. Focus on healthy relationships instead.

 

You've been together forever and there never seems to be a progression

You meet and you fell into that comfortable sock phase- the one where you can be intimate on some levels buy you never really progress. Sometimes it's laziness or bad dating habits on both sides, but more often he's not really ready to commit to you. Sometimes we enter not knowing what we want and then realize, hunh, it's more. Um, that's called being a grown-ass adult and changing. Communicate like an adult.

 

So as I write this out it becomes clearer about DCB2. Good guy, but afraid I'm going to have to put him on the back burner. We have a date this week and I'll just see. But I have noticed the lack of woo has turned me off a bit and we'll see if he wins it back.