Jinx! I Owe You a Coke

Okay, I don't want to write this post because I don't want to jinx this. But this is a blog about dating so I should just put this out there: I'm kind of sort of getting to know someone and I like him. Good gosh, what a coward I am!

Here's the thing, it's been a couple of months now and there's so far nothing really wrong with him. Well, his taste in politics is iffy but as long as he gives a good shoulder massage, who cares! In fact there are freakish things we have in common that frankly, two people should not simultaneously co-exist and have in common. I'm not quite sure what I would do if he shares my favorite bad movies too (oops! he does!!).

I have been quietly observing myself and my reactions in getting to know him and it's been quite interesting. To be honest with you, I'm used to people picking and choosing what they think is cool about me; at best, they see me as a novel creature. People tend to focus on one part of my personality they like and ignore the rest, willing it away. It's maybe what happens when you're an eclectic personality.

This time, however, I feel... normal... What an odd thing to be. I'm a vagabond, having moved 10 times in my adult life. I'm a Native/Scot/German who is Greek Orthodox. I have a love for '80s metal bands, esoteric languages, and the fiber arts. I'm a Mongolphile and have more than a little crush on Genghis Khan. There's never been anything "normal" about me and even my closest family scratches their heads about me.

So I sit and observe myself and I realise that I'm a commitment-phobe all of which is very fear-driven. "Duh," the world seems to say and I say that too but I see the very manipulative ways I play with my own mind. I tend to always look for ways out instead of reasons to stay. I see a teeny tiny crack and I basically bulldoze it until there's an unrepairable hole. But I'm not doing that this time, or at least I am trying my damnedest not to.

I think the next question is if I've been doing this my whole life how many great men have I let go? Surprisingly, not many. Seriously, have you READ my blog?? There are a few exes that have remained friends, guys that are good guys. I'm glad we got through the hurdles and became friends but I don't look back: there were very good reasons those relationships ended and it wasn't all because of me or all because of them- it was just time to end.

I also know that a lot of my fear has to do with protecting my heart. Losing my mom- even saying those words makes me tear up- that was the single worst thing that ever happened. And if you know me, that's saying a lot. Going through Life's milestones seem rather insignificant when I couldn't share them with her. I have very little family left and I've become rather skittish about adding more people to care about; I know how devastating it is to lose them.

So here I sit, observing myself and my fears. I'm not fighting these feelings or stuffing them down inside, just sitting in a Buddhist-like observation. Even so I move forward in getting to know this guy. I don't want to jinx anything by even mentioning him but I need to get over that too. Already I am moving in a good direction if I'm attracting people into my life like him. And even if this goes no further I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be free to fully be yourself and I also can't tell you how much I enjoy getting to know him.

Photo IDs

I've always had this thing for spy movies. I imagine myself some svelte honeypot with a lethal Black Widow vibe. I now live in the city with the most spies in the world. I've also been to the Spy Museum more than I care to count, have memorized my game secret identity (I am a 58-year-old fisherman from Russia visiting family in Boston named Igor)- see, isn't this fun?? 

I've also shown my many IDs to my new friends here; friends whom have never seen me with anything other than silver locks. One was my passport where I'm sporting long, dark brown hair with side-swept bangs. One is my old driver's license with shorter, curly light auburn hair. The other is my badge with a long red ponytail and bangs. 

I am in-cog-ni-to, so incognito that I have no photo IDs that can sucessfully get me through the airport. Luckily I have a new VA driver's license that shows my silver hair because I've been stopped more than anyone by TSA. 

Happy of all happies? My passport and badge are also up for renewal. FINALLY. Okay my passport expired. Yes, it expired last year and I refused to have two-tone hair for a 10-year photo. So in my uber vanity I decided to wait until I graduated and my hair grew out a bit before I renewed it. I extended said vanity by looking at Yelp.com for the best place to get said passport. Don't judge, you do it too. 

I just completed the overly complicated process for renewing my badge. Tomorrow I will get dolled up and have my photo taken... and fingerprints taken... and violation of any semblance of privacy... Anyhoo. 

This may not seem like a big deal but it really is because my identity includes being a silver sister. I'm not a redhead, or auburn, brunette, or colour d'jour. I AM a silver sister. Something about updating all of your IDs and having those IDs reflect you as you are now is just another level of acceptance. This is another way of severing the past and embracing the future and the new you. I may not blend into the background anymore and I just gave up any hope of my spy fantasy but I certainly feel way more interesting.

Best Conditioner in the World

It is Winter here and that means dry everything- cracking hands, wind burnt face, chapped lips, and brittle hair.

No matter what, I always seem to want to buy the next miracle brand of product. This is probably because I'm American and a born consumer but I'm always convinced that there's going to be some fix-all product out there for my hair. Well there is and it's coconut oil.

I've raved about the wonders of coconut oil before but it never ceases to amaze me. I'm now dealing with dye-free hair that's in its healthiest state in 20 years. I can't blame the state of my hair on the dyed and fried ends or from keratin treatments. Now I'm seeing my hair and its unique personality. Lately this personality has revealed itself to be moisture-lacking dull grey hair.

I've gone to some of my miracle products- from the cheaper end Frizz-ease lotion (which made my hair seem a litle less dry but still a bit crispy), to my mid-range serum (which made my hair feel dry with an oily coat), to the high-end Living Proof (which made my hair feel dry with a waxed coat). Maybe these shouldn't be miracle go-to products after all?

It wasn't until I thought about my old friend the coconut oil that I used it as a last resort. Well I guess the best was saved for last because it instantly transformed my hair! It is so luxe and soft now. There are many uses for coconut oil and I'm going to list some below: 

Internal Health 

A tablespoon swallowed is good for you. I take one and melt one over my dog's food. I believe it gives us both a shiny coat. 

Cracked Skin 

I use this on elbows and also the pads of my dog's paws. A few uses and we're both feeling better. 

Makeup Remover 

This is the single-best eye makeup remover I've come across. It can take off any mascara without pulling out half of your eyelashes. 

Quick Hair Fix 

A little goes a long way so for my just-past-the-shoulders hair I use a teaspoon (if that). I take a little bit, rub it in my hands until it's an oil, and distribute through my hair very sparingly. You'll see an instant change in your hair and in an hour your hair will be perfectly hydrated. 

Deep Conditioner 

Here I use a tablespoon or more and coat my hair. Some people cover their hair and sleep with this in but I find that leaving it in for an hour and washing it out works well. You'll never have to buy expensive hair products again.

New 'Do

It's been a minute since I had a haircut... six months, to be exact. I went in, sheepishly hiding under my hat and awaiting the wrath of a new stylist lecturing me on the importance of haircuts every six weeks. Enter Yorda, a Senior Stylist at PR Partners in Shirlington.

Now I'm going to stop for a minute and reiterate how difficult it is to find a good stylist, especially if you're a silver sister. Stylists seem too often to shame people into thinking they need hair dye. Even the subtlest of raised and exasperated eyebrows, the sighs of "what are we going to do with THIS hair," or the half-assed effort spent on you. You'd think I was exaggerating but it's still too common for stylists to think that since you own your grey you have somehow given up on yourself and require the bare minimum from them.

Grr.

So when I DO find a great stylist, I want to pass that information on. I would like to say that Yorda was great- she loved my color on me, listened to my goals of growing my hair out, and gave me a cut to get me where I was aiming. She gave an awesome consultation, asking what I liked about different photos and really explained what she was going to do and why. Awesome! And she did this all while commenting on how healthy my hair was. Double Bonus!

I think the comfort started at the get-go when there was a detailed form I had to fill out. This has my goals, whether I wanted to talk about hair color, etc. It's a standard form they collect on everyone and I felt free to list that I liked my color, had no intention of dyeing it. I could also put in my allergy with hairspray and my desire to not use curling irons/flat irons (still not trusting after the one burned and yellowed that section of my hair). That was helpful as I didn't feel critical or high-maintenance, but still felt like I had a voice in my hair.

And voila! I don't feel like I lost any length but she thinned out the bottom and took that bulky weight out. It feels so much healthier and I love it. I also noticed that it lightened my hair. Apparently I am greying at a rapid pace and every cut shows lighter and lighter hair. I now have an ombre going down my hair that is purely natural. At this rate, I'll be white in 5 years! I'm not sure that this is normal, but it's kind of cool all the same.

Men Acting as Women III

Just because a man has interest and attention galore for you does not mean that you have to accept it. You can appreciate the experience and move on to a healthy and balanced relationship. Just because their insecurities rage at every perceived and real rejection, it is necessary for them to go through this, as it also is not your responsibility to nurse them through. 

This may sound harsh but I'm finding that there is nothing more important than having HEALTHY, make that H.E.A.L.T.H.Y. relationships. I've spent a lifetime getting to this realization, all from unhealthy family, friend, and lover relatiosnhips, to learning boundaries, to exercising my right to be exclusive about those that I spend time with.

I remember seeing girls that would get these guys panting after them and think, these bitches get all the men. But it's not that simple. I mean these may be good men in one sense but they're really insecure and shooting themselves in the foot. Ergo, they're good men in an unhealthy state of mind. These women weren't really bitches either. They were great women who were looking for men in healthy states of mind. 

Have you ever met a guy you really liked and you just tried too hard? You're sure that you just needed to convince him of your fabulosity and he would readily swoon. Has that ever worked? Of course not! He saw you as insecure and in an unhealthy state. Looking back, I see I did this and I always thought, "His loss." No, he didn't lose out on anything except my insecurity. I may be fabulous, we all are, but when those guys that were in a good place rejected me it made me fight through my insecurities. Those were great life lessons. Had they indulged me I think it would have led to dependency on them in the relationship. 

This awareness led to this slew of men my friends and I are attracting- they're fabulous men in unhealthy states. They need to work through their issues in order to really bring something great to a relationship. 

My Jordanian, AnnMarie's Robbie- these are great men with passion, drive, and love to give. But it's not healthy. And this is so important to remember when this happens to you and you start to second-guess your choices. For example, after "Jordie's" meltdown we talked this over. He's not in a great place in his life and it seems that he was putting too much stock on his happiness with me equaling happiness in life. I can't make him happy in himself; no one can do that but him. However, that doesn't stop me from second-guessing myself thinking that I am putting up walls, looking for flaws, and turning away from ultimate happiness. Or worse, thinking that I'm sabotaging a great relationship. 

And then I snap out of it. 

There's this Buddhist saying that goes 'Help those in need and not the needy.' I struggled with that for a long time trying to distinguish the two. When a person is in need it's a temporary and momentary blip. A person in need is that someone in front of you in the checkout line who forgot their wallet so you get their $35 groceries for them, they fell in the street so you help them up and carry their bags, they lost a loved one so you comfort and support them. A NEEDY person is someone that takes a need and makes it a permanent state of mind. S/he always has something going wrong and leans on anyone who will listen. They're the one who never has money yet they do nothing about their financial situation and wait for others to pick up their tab, they're the ones who have health issues but eat at Taco Bell every day, they're the ones who attract drama in their life and, frankly, they love the drama. 

I'm okay to hang out with Jordie. I'm okay to help Jordie with his resume. I'm okay to develop a great friendship with Jordie and who knows? It could develop into something. Someday. But dating him as he is right now? I think that would throw too much dependency- dependency on things going well and going fast, dependency on being the one close person to him here, etc. Right now he's more needy than in need. And dependency just becomes resentment once he gets his life in a healthy state of mind. After all, he's fabulous but just in an unhealthy state.

Men Acting as Women II

I love this time of year and all the cheesy Hallmark movies. I joke with my neighbor that I'm awaiting my own Hallmark movie moment. After all, you only have to be slightly above-average looking, only one of you has to have the come-to-Jesus moment, your whole life is figured out within an hour, and you can do a shitty job acting through your life and it's no big deal. 

However, after my last experience I have been watching these movies (remember my bad taste in tv??) with a new eye. I watched one and the heroine gets her dream residency while she is twittering away as a doctor in a remote Alaskan town. Don't ask me how she got there, I have no idea. But she had a great date with a guy and then coffee where she finds out she gets the residency and needs to leave immediately. 

He instantly reacts and gets very testy that she would choose her life's goal and dream when they had such a fun date. Really?? Get duckin' serious, Dude. This turned me off, maybe because it resonates with the last batch of men I've gone out with that develop deeper-than-natural feelings from the get-go. 

It's not just me, I'm seeing a lot of this going around. Three of my friends are, or recently dated men like this too. Successful, age-appropriate, should-know-better men that for some reason announce their intentions to pursue you like a demon within the first week. Eek! 

Let's take one of my friends. I realized after watching more and more of these Hallmark Christmas movies that we DO have the Hallmark movie moment. This is my storyline for her (this is based on her most recent relationship):  

A Very Robbie Christmas 

 AnnMarie is unhappy at her job. She finds a dream job in California where she's always wanted to live and has worked her whole life for this opportunity and she applies for the job. Cut to cold day at bus stop where the bus broke down in a land called Bumpkinville. A cute guy appears and compliments her on her glasses. They bump into each other again (must be fate!!) and he asks her out. His name is Robbie. They have a lovely time and she starts to think it might be fun to have a partner in crim—life and her career isn’t her only goal. The next day she gets a call saying that the Cali job is hers- guaranteed to promote her after one year. It's a dream job in the place she desires to live above all others!! It’s a bullet offer but AnnMarie, naturally, accepts. 

The next day she tells Robbie, somewhat regretful but also hoping for a little human support, that she landed her dream job. He barks at her that he should have known better and how stupid he was to fall for a girl that could never appreciate Bumpkinville anyway. And just when he was having REAL FEELINGS for her (after just one date, who knew?). For some reason there is background music that seems to fully support him and simultaneously damns her in the process.  

The next day AnnMarie leaves for the airport and, alas! A tree is felled on the only road going out of town (who wouldn’t love this crap ass town?!). Instead of calling to say she’ll be reporting a day or two late for the new wonder job in Cali she sees the whole thing as fate that she must remain there forever in this now “charming” crap ass town. She and Robbie embrace as he is deliriously happy that he got his way. Wow, AnnMarie, what a great gesture! She marries him only to find that wow- he actually isn’t very supportive of her goals but she's wed and bred so that must mean Happily Ever After, right? 

A great bit of this story is true, except she didn't choose the guy after two dates. Because that isn't normal, that's Hollywood. But she did have some guy profess his "deep" feelings for her after one date and press her to feel the same, press her to make sacrifices, play mind games when he didn't get his way. At the end she's still questioning herself, wondering if she was too hard on him. 

Okay, this is already a ridiculously long post but the point is that authentic feelings don't just happen overnight. Even if you feel that s/he is "the one" wouldn't you want to nurture that realtionship until you both feel the same? It seems that there is no shortage of men these days that think they can pour these sentiments and we'll just lap them up. I'm sorry but if after date one you feel we are going to be together forever, maybe just keep that to yourself. Try something milder like, "Hey, I had a really great time. I'd like to see you again." Food for thought.

Men Acting as Women

I have been on a major hiatus from blogging. Part of it is getting into the swing of things here, part of it is dating, part of it is making new friends. 

For a while I was attracting these younger men in their mid-20's. Okay they're cute but they're just starting out their adventures. I've had mine and I felt like I was more the mentor role than the companion role. I realize that I was still putting energy out there about my initial insecurity of being grey and still wanting to appear youthful. So what did the Universe give me? Youth! 

Awareness tweaked that right in the bud and I put out energy of a person more my age, having lived his own adventures. I attracted just that: adorable, worldly, intelligent, sweet, and attentive. Too attentive. Mad texting me about how much he likes me and how he misses talking to me and how since I didn't immediately respond, I must hate texting altogether. Sigh. 

What is going on in the world today? Have men completely reversed and are no longer masculine? The above-mentioned subject is from a country where men are very strongly men and yet if I fail to respond to a text within 15-20 minutes, he falls into an insecure tailspin. 

You may remember my post on another eager beaver from last Summer who could not stop himself from texting me ALL THE TIME. I didn't handle that too well. In fact, I handled it the way many an American guy would- I was distant and cold, kind of a jerk therefore forcing the other to dump me. It's not a good way to handle things as it's passive-aggressive and doesn't help anyone except the escapee.

I decided to handle this guy differently and we had a come-to-Jesus moment. His defense was that English was not his first language so I must be misinterpreting his words. Um, no... as I'm not misinterpreting the bithchiness when I don't text right back (because I was in church and turned my phone off). But it did give me a chance to set some boundaries, such as the ones below:

I do not check my phone every 3 minutes to see if I have a text or call from you. I will get back to you within appropriate day and early evening hours and will respond. It may not be within the minute. Please do not internalize this and get snippy with me. 

When I say I'm busy this weekend, that means I can't get together this weekend. Please do not pout that I am not going to kill myself to spend an hour driving to some remote spot in DC and parking (40 minutes allotted to finding a parking spot via stalking people to their cars) just to have a beer with you for half an hour.

I have a life and I expect you have one too. I have friends, groups, dates with other men and I will not drop my life for anyone. I expect that you have these things too-- no, no! You don't have to tell me, it's not my business, especially in these early stages. If I want to get together and you're busy, I respect that. I don't need an explanation. 

I am so glad that you think I'm the best thing since sliced bread (I think you're pretty fabulous too!). However, you do not need to tell me after knowing each other for 3 days how much you miss my presence. We do not have to get together every day, or every other day, or every other other day. Slow down, I'm feeling smothered. 

I think we get the picture. I'm going to do several blog posts on this because I feel there is a whole lot of subject material here. It's very interesting and not at all what I expected when dating again.