Shot Through the Heart

I have a great stitch 'n bitch friend (that's how we knitters can pretend we're cool). We meet up, knit, make snarky and sarcastic jokes, and have a great time. I used to think I was alone in knitting to Iron Maiden's The Trooper but Stephanie shares that slightly odd visual. Stephanie is also a licensed handgun instructor and let's face it, one badass chick.

Wha--?? You're starting to think. What does this have to do with greying and/or dating?? Well for one, it goes to show that you can't put a silver sister in a box. And two, I think I've figured out yet another reason why I might be single. You see, I'm a hell of a shot. My first time holding a real gun and I hit every target I aimed for. Apparently the "heart shot" right in the center of the chest is my best shot. I managed to get 8 out of 10 bullets in exactly the same place. I gotta admit, I feel pretty bad-ass about that.

One thing that I think people misunderstand is that taking a gun safety class isn't about some American stereotype of a gunslinging extremist. It's about gun safety. If you want to hunt, then you should be a hell of a marksman (in order to not make your future meal suffer). If you want to have target practice at the gun range, then you should safely be able to handle a gun. If you will ever be around a gun in the future, you should be intelligent about how to operate a gun so that no one gets hurt in some accident.

I know a lot of people shoot at the range for some sense of empowerment but that really wasn't what I was aiming for. I just wanted to not be scared of guns and to be intelligent around them. And that's where Stephanie really comes in. She's very good about gauging your comfort and expertise level. She goes at a customized pace and really makes sure you understand every sequence. By the time you go through the sit-down education piece, you feel comfortable and ready to go to the range and try target shooting for yourself.

Stephanie also lets you try several of her own guns out: 22 caliber, 9 mm, 380, .357, and 38 caliber. It's a nice range of guns (an arsenal if you will) and you feel what you're comfortable with. She's very relaxed about the whole thing which immediately made me feel more relaxed. Here's a video below, going for the "throat." Within a couple of hours I went from being terrified of having a gun in my presence, to looking and feeling very natural (see video). I credit this ALL to Stephanie. So if you're in the area (or even if you're not), contact Stephanie at Powder Puff Pistol Training (love that name) by email or phone: wstephanier@gmail.com or (919) 880-7410. She'll answer any questions you may have about gun safety. I now have a new hobby. Thanks, Steph!!

A Game of Thrones Analogy

My last name is Stark and I've always loved my surname as it means Herculean strength. But now there is a whole culture out there that loves my last name too. They fall into one of two categories: the Iron Man crowd or the Winterfell crowd. The Iron Man crowd liken me to the secret wife of Tony Stark. You mean Robert Downey Jr? Hell yeah!! I can get on board with that. The other group sees me as Winterfell's heroes the Stark family. You mean a royal family with direwolves and Jamie Sives playing Jory to serve me? Hell yeah!! I can get on board with that too.

Season 4 (FINALLY!!) is coming out tonight and since I have to somehow relate this to greying and dating (aside from dating Jamie Sives- yes, I have my OWN fantasy version of the series), I am going to use the Game of Thrones approach to explain how I feel about the greying process.

Anyone who has read or watched the HBO version of this George R R Martin series knows that there are unpredictable twists and turns, and it has become an epic story. Oh gosh, I am such a nerd. In fact I'm nerdy enough to have superimposed my photo on top of Catelyn Stark's. In fact I'm kind of loving this silver against the pelt and think I need a faux fur version to keep... Here are some main themes I see in common with Game of Thrones and growing out the grey:

Who do you trust?
In GoT (I'm really not going to spell out this series each time) you find from your first betrayal that no one can really trust anyone. So far the direwolves are faithful but who knows what's to come in future books- maybe the wolves will turn after all. Sansa is betrayed by everyone, Eddard is killed early on (how do you kill off the main character??), and even Jon Snow doesn't know whom to trust. This also happens very early on in the greying process- your closest friends and family turn on you when they realise you're serious about this decision. Husbands get surly, parents become condescending, and best friends become flat-out rude. I think I might prefer Jory's sword in the eye to some of these snarky and cutting comments I've received. Fortunately, they have been far fewer than the hundreds of accolades, compliments, and support I've received so I'll live to see another adventure.

The twists and turns
One never knows what to expect next in GoT. Will there be a new religion? Will there be Whitewalkers and Others? Will there be some new sort of shape shifter or beastie? Honestly, I couldn't imagine some of the things that Georgie comes up with. This is also true with grey hair. From month to month I have no idea what to expect. I take a picture on my anniversary each month (the 4th) and when I look at the signature line of all 15 photos I see radically different hair. Some months it looks more taupe, some it looks like two wide silver streaks surrounded by a back of pewter, and still others it looks moonlight. Let us not mention how fluorescent lighting makes it look- ick. I still have no more idea how the ending of my hair will be any more than I know how GoT will end.

Alright, let's end this story already!
There's a point in GoT when you're screaming at George to just get to the friggin' point already! I no longer care about Daenarys and her damn dragons and I sure as hell don't care about any of these new characters in book 5. All I want is for Tyrion to triumph and Arya to snuggle her direwolf (minus my imagined scene of the direwolves going on a human-killing spree). This is also the most essential feeling of the greying process- get to the friggin' end already! My patience is tested time and time again, but lately it's getting downright hostile. I don't want anymore twists and turns, I want to see the final result. Because even when I'm done, there's all this time to adjust, re-evaluate my wardrobe now that I'm a completely different color scheme, and really own my silver as part of my identity.

However, much like GoT, I can't just stop. Even though I'm bored as hell with the greying process and I'm bored as hell with GoT after book 5, I just can't stop. I'm too far in. I'm too invested. And even though I will graduate long before George Martin writes a chapter for book 6, I will still see many more twists, turns, and adventures with my grey. At least I know I have one happy ending to look forward to.

Winter Blues and Target

I am dedicating this post to my friend, Llynn. She is in a dreaded grow out stage. You know when people (i.e. Moi) tell you that after 8 months it's all downhill? Okay that's PARTIALLY true. At the 8-month mark you are less aware of the stripe and it feels easy breezy. And then month 8, week 3 arrives and you find yourself cursing like a sailor which, contrary to popular belief, does not actually help your hair grow.

Now Llynn has been smart to just let her hair grow out. She started out brunette and those ends have since faded revealing some GORGEOUS silver coming in (see pics below- gorgeous!!). She already has soft, (what the Gilmore Girls would call) shiny Harvard hair. So the silver really is smooth and silky.

Llynn is at her 12-month mark and Happy Anniversary!! She is also going through the Winter blues and feeling like her hair is looking more dingy (note din-jee not deen-gee) than fabulous. Let's look at some factors here: we’ve had a long Winter and have all been on a weather rollercoaster for heaven knows how many months. It's April and we're expecting snow again. Where are we, Colorado?? Llynn also identified another enemy to silver hair: indoor fluorescent lighting. If it’s Winter and you only go out to get the shopping done then you only see yourself under these harsh yellowing lights. No wonder we feel sallow!

With Llynn her ends are blonde-to-light-brown so the stripe isn’t as harsh. The downfall is that the blonde casts an overall yellowed effect on her hair. The pic to the right correctly shows how fabulous her silver is (see right) but the wrong lighting will reflect those dyed ends back to the roots. With a higher contrast of dyed to virgin grey (such as black) the hair may look more pewter or more white, with red the hair looks more taupe and peach.

So what do you do to freshen and lighten up the hair a bit? I suggest getting a trim at this point of the process. You don’t have to cut inches upon inches off but even ONE little inch and you’ll reveal a lighter shade. Every new month and every new cut reveals a slightly lighter, slightly more radiant version of silver.

HOWEVER if you're still on the fence of whether grey is right for you, why not do a wash-out rinse? Now I'm not an advocate of dye nor am I against it but I've seen a lot of wobbles and a lot of regrets with hasty decisions. That's why I don't recommend a major cut or permanent hair dye. There are temporary rinses that are supposed to shampoo out with every wash (note that this will not work for you if you are allergic to dye). Roux Fanciful is the one I know of (don't use the mousse but just the rinse). Take a sample of hair and if you don't want to cut a sample of that hard-won silver, take some spare from your hairbrush. Soak the sample in some Roux and let it dry over a couple of days. Also, keep some un-Rouxed hair for a later comparison.

Now shampoo the Rouxed sample- did it totally rinse out? Is it slightly tinted? If you wash it with baking soda or purple shampoo is it still tinted? If you answered yes then put the Roux away. If it washed out, why not try it on your hair and see if you like that better than the silver? Remember to look at yourself on a bright sunny day and compare before or after (pics are a great way to do this). This will direct you in your next decision.

My guess is that you’ll see how the silver plays with your skin tone and compare it to the temporary color-washed look and you’ll determine what you like better. After all, the choices you make should be what you’re comfortable with, not something that you do to make others happy. Llynn is one of my favorite people on Café Gray (and that says a lot). Her support and cheers have been invaluable through my grow-out process. So next time you see Llynn (you’ll know her, she’s a gorgeous woman and very petite at that) you will see a beautiful advocate for the silver sisters. Make sure to congratulate her on her 1-year anniversary!

Kansas vs. the World

I am a proud product of the Midwest, more specifically, Kansas. It may be (touristically speaking) a pass-through state for most and the politics may be way too conservative for me, but it's where I was born and raised and it will always be home. Since I just returned from a visit there I thought it appropriate to share a refreshed perspective on my native Kansans.

I haven't lived there for 15 or so years and in that time have moved all over: from studying in London, living in the Southwest, Northwest, NYC, Pittsburgh, DC, blah blah blah, and now the South. I need not mention them all. I have discovered the good, the bad, and the ugly of all these places but it's also helped me to appreciate what it is about being a Kansan that makes me so unique.

Let's compare a Kansas woman to a North Carolina woman: if I go to the auto mechanic in Kansas they tell me what needs to be done, how they came up with the diagnostic, and what got it there. If I go to an auto mechanic in the South (i.e. NC) they ask to talk to my father. If I go to a meeting in Kansas I am just another of many women who have held positions of power (and my predecessors exceeded me plenty by becoming Supreme Court Justices, Governors, Congresswomen). If I go to a meeting in the South they think I'm there to take the minutes. Sigh. It might as well be 1942 here.

But the most glaring difference of all is the dating habits of women in Kansas vs. well, everywhere else. *Disclaimer*- I think most Midwestern girls can fit into this category too. Here in NC, for example, women are brought up to dream about marriage and babies and there seems to be no blinking when a 40-year-old man hits on an 18-year-old child. Ewww! Bleachhh. Yukkity yuk. They talk in circles, have a passive stance, and they love masculine men that will take care of them. The upside is that women are uber feminine and play the coquette very well. There seems to be no shortage of men sniffing at their heels. The downfall is it seems like there is only one goal and it must be achieved at all costs.

A Kansas woman is very different. We were brought up to be 100% self-reliant. We were expected to achieve goals, go to college, and take care of ourselves. Family was just going to fit in somewhere in that career. The good news is that I felt the equity between men and women, I had the confidence to achieve my goals, and I have an undeniably good work ethic. The downside is that marriage and family was sort of an after-thought that never got prioritized. And even though I love the masculine men they often feel in competition with a strong woman. 

So, what is a girl from Kansas to do? 

Determine What Type of Man You Would Like 

Do you like the masculine, leader type? Or do you like the passive, effeminate type? Everyone has their preference but I like masculine types only and tend to not respect passive types. Okay, so what is a good complement for a strong, masculine type? A soft, feminine woman.
Example: I have attracted men who skip with their toes pointed and men who could wrestle bears. Which have had the staying power? the latter of course! However if I'm always taking charge an exerting take-charge, masculine behavior, it's the *sigh* skippers I'll attract. 

Change Your Behavior 

What does a self-reliant woman do? She takes care of everything. But if there's a partner in your life he needs a role. He needs an EQUAL role, I should add. And if you like masculine men he's not going to be ordered into a role that you determine. So learn to accept help, show appreciation for gestures such as his holding the door for you, listen more and talk less, and cease competitive behavior.
Example: if I see everything as a competition then I will at best be one of the guys (and he will have 0% sexual interest in me) or at worst an annoying little pain that puts him off dating altogether. Either way with that behavior, I would end up alone. 

Learn to Love the Differences 

When I first heard (repeatedly) variations of the above statements, I got rather riled. Did this mean I was going to have to change into a ditzy child, pretending to be helpless? Um, no. It means that I made space for a partner. I appreciate and encourage a man who takes initiative, who has goals, who has independence himself. I also have a partner I support (and in turn get support from) and one whom I respect. Every relationship I have we have different roles but when you work as a team there's room for you both to grow and shine.
Example: Once I learned to look at the differences between healthy relationships, I could begin to see what the traits are of men that I'm looking for. And when I'm in a relationship and he has certain strengths, great! He can do that and I'll spend more time on other areas. You both don't have to be the leading expert in everything.

I think the key here is not that you have to change yourself but more be aware of how your actions impact others. What are you really saying when you have a competition about who knows more about Rugby tackle tactics (*sigh* yes, I've done that) and really, who the hell cares? Know the traits you seek and encourage them. Appreciate that your beau is going to be a partner and not someone you would emasculate. So that's my advice for a "Kansas" girl. Learn to accept some help, sit back and enjoy!

Relationship Ready

I often get asked if my grey hair has changed the type of guys that ask me out. The answer is, surprisingly, no. But no one ever asks me if grey hair has changed the guys I go for and the answer would be, surprisingly, yes. 

All the way up to a few months ago I was attracting the same mix: young pups in their early 20s, guys my age, guys older. Some were super cute, some held my interest as much as dry toast, and some with extended fingers held in a crucifix. I thought to myself what an odd and dynamic mix and was very afraid that all that would remain with my silver hair would be the dry toast undesirables. 

So I started this blog to put my shy self as a guinea pig and face the fears of potential rejection quite publicly. Well, I didn't think any but a few friends would actually read this but then I looked at the audience and was overwhelmed by the global viewing of my insecurities, dramatic blathering, and excitement I had over every inch of silver grown. Ironically, my friends and family don't read my blog but the hits keep coming all the same.    

I was not, as feared, left with just the dry toast but still the young pups, attractive men, older men, et. al. They still come. And then something switched. It took me quite awhile to figure it out but what switched was me. 

I am more comfortable in my skin 

When you are growing out a skunk stripe you deal with stares and you're conscious of every prolonged glance, passive-aggressive remark, etc. Finally you stand up for yourself and own it and the sheeple (sheep-like people) of the world fall in line. Already that makes you more attractive and you realise that even when you have two-toned hair men are attracted to you. 

I stand out 

Never have I had so many cheerleaders as I do now and they keep smiling at me and telling me how much they love my hair. Most people would think that completely weird but I think it's fantastic. How good that feels to have an army of cheerleaders rooting you on (no pun intended). Those constant boosts of confidence have edged out the last dregs of core insecurities because I have a team of men and women telling me more than ever how great the grey looks on me.

I am ready 

If you want to know what your subconscious is creating in your life, look at your daydreams. Mine were always of first encounters. That seems innocent enough but if I'm always thinking about the moment up to meeting someone, I'm focusing on my independence and my not being ready. Add to that the thought of anything long-term bringing instant panic, "Wait! I mean, let's not rush this daydream or anything, let's just take it SLOW (and never really get there)," and I was attracting like to like. I wasn't ready so I would attract the same. 

All of those men from the past were not ready- little 20-year-old pups who pursued me? Obvi not ready and sort of creepy that I could legitamately be a mother to them. Dry toast guys had an odd theme of clinginess and still holding on to the last ex that dumped them. And the highly-smoochable guys were more independent than even I am and always had some level of wall around them. I'll tell you this once you change and no longer need those guys lurking in the background, they start to contact you out of the blue. Hence the need for de-clutering my love life which I did a month or so ago. 

Now that I am ready for a truly committed relationship and looking to my next move North as being much more permanent, the guys I am starting to attract are also in the same place. I went out with someone a couple of weeks ago who is there too. He's open and honest, at a good place in his life, and is really ready for the next phase in his life. Am I interested in taking it to the next level with him? No, but I am very reassured that I am headed in the right direction.

The Right Hair Stylist

The importance of this subject cannot be emphasized enough, especially if you are growing out your grey. I have filtered out dozens of stylists and have yet to find one grey-friendly and still cutting edge super stylist- until today.

I started out very nervous about this. The last time I had my hair cut (besides my one-time self-trim) was 7 months ago. I know, but even though it was a good cut, the stylist seemed put out to work on my hair and then didn't listen to my ONE request to not have a high-heat flat iron. "Oh, I have it on medium," she said as she burnt my hair and turned it yellow. No, I still have not let that go and it made me even more timid to see a new stylist and avoid this again.

I had my speech all prepared- I was going to point out that I started running again and want to be able to pull my hair back in a ponytail, I don't like too-short layers on top because I look like a '70s News Anchor, I don't want him/her to flat iron my hair, I'm allergic to hairspray. I spent a couple of weeks compiling the horror stories of past stylists and trying to make my high-maintenance list seem not so high-maintenance. Fail. But this was important because I get intimidated in salons and chicken out anyway so I was hoping to meet half of the items on my list. Usually I rue the day I go to the salon and start the whole process over looking for a new stylist.

Salons have long-been my Achilles heel and I was just praying that a Master Stylist at a top-rated Yelp salon was going to pass the muster.

Enter Michael Knight at Samuel Cole Salon in North Raleigh. He has 28 years of experience and is constantly learning the latest in the industry. I walk I in and he greets me. I'm relieved to see a cool silver and black-striped beard, lots of tats, and a friendly smile that is not glancing at my grey and making a face. I'm still wary as the last Rockabilly salon owner (with his own black and silver hair, tats, and nose ring) told me how much older I would look with grey and there was only one cut that I would be able to do (enter expletive of choice).

But Michael was different, giving a great consultation and was almost as excited about my grey hair as I am. He suggested longer hair for my hair type, how my natural part was falling, what my current and future goals were, and when I would graduate (before my 40th birthday in July- holla!). All-in-all, here was a stylist celebrating my choice with me and absolutely thrilled to see the end result. He saw my progression pics and verified that I looked better with every inch of grey that grew out.

After a great cut, comparing favorite 80's Metal Bands, and my having the courage to ask that he not flat iron my hair (he was on the same page), I left feeling awesome. I have a great cut, an inch less of color on my ends, a great cheerleader, and I feel wonderful. Was it cheap? No, but damn, so worth it! I think the key to remember is that you're saving a ton of money on ditching the dye so splurge and get a great style. After all, you're celebrating  and you need a great style. The time for Super Cuts and cuts that come with a coupon are past. If you're talking about budget and you were coloring your hair all those years, you are saving a ton- put it into a great cut and a great stylist.

These are my after pics from this afternoon. How cool is this, only 3" left!! For those in metric Countries, i.e. everywhere except the US, that would be 7-8 centimeters. The cool part is that for every bit of dyed ends that get cut off, your hair lightens considerably. Every cut thus reveals a new you and you get excited all over again.

 

Well, I am so elated with this and if you find yourself in Raleigh, give Michael Knight (link above) a call. You might email him anyway and see if he knows and can recommend a stylist in your area. Also, look on Café Gray under the Gray-Friendly Salon Guide to see about recommended stylists in your area.

 

Okay, I'm off to paint the town and celebrate my new cut. Have a lovely day, all!!

De-hoard Your Love Life

Have you ever seen that show "Hoarders: Buried Alive"? If you haven't, it's on par with watching "Poltergeist." Scary. Really scary. So those of us who watch it look on in abject horror, vowing we will never let our homes get to that state. And yet we never evaluate our love lives this way.

If you took an honest assessment of your life, are there exes you're still (maybe just a wee bit) holding onto? If you hesitate, that's a yes. This was an epiphany I had recently. Much like hoarding, it's gradual until one day you wake up and can't find the kitchen. It's also a mental block, holding on to the past as an ideal.

I was asked this question recently and I immediately started to blurt out, "Nooo-wellll, not really." That's a yes. Now, if you haven't forgiven all of your exes and asked for their forgiveness, that's the first step. I've sent apology letters as much as 20 years late, and I let go of any actions they did against me. You can just write and burn letters to them. The overall intent is to release both of you. If it would benefit them to hear an apology, by all means humble yourself and do it! If it wouldn't, then write and burn. One great suggestion was to write an "I'm pissed at you" letter, then write a letter of explanation from their perspective. Often it doesn't go: "Oh you were perfection personified and I was the slug who didn't get it," BUT it does admit their fault, your fault, and takes away any lingering emotion.

I evaluated this a bit further. Is it holding onto someone if you keep their letters, emails? It seems like that's an easy yes but it all depends on the intent. I went through a lot of these old emails. If they weren't 'attagirls' or affirmations that brought good memories, then they were discarded. Nearly all were discarded. A few were kept as memories from an important time in my life, whether it was young adult coming of age or someone helping me through the loss of my mom. Honestly, if this correspondence was lost in a move I wouldn't be heartbroken, but I also feel no attachment to the person writing them.

One might also ask what it means to still be friends with an ex. Again, it's all about intention. There are some exes that I don't want to be friends with. We're at different places in our lives and we don't really help each other grow in a positive direction. No problem, just don't need to keep in touch. Then there are those that I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with them, and vice verse, but we are great supportive friends of each other. We remain friends but we also never looked back and there are no "what if" thoughts going on. They're just buddies and I support them finding truly great women to spend their lives with.

So recently I severed all emotional ties with the men of the past and present that weren't really what I was looking for. If there were casual relationships that weren't going anywhere, well they're not going anywhere. If we're willing to be friends then it can go there but if he might want more, gotta let you go. It feels so good, like when you clean out your closet and donate carloads to charity.

Because let's face it, if you know in your soul that someone is not right for you yet you still hold onto some sort of hope, you're carrying around dead weight. And what is that doing to future great men in your life? They'll have to wade through all that crap and they may not make it, just like that hoarding dream I have of not finding the kitchen. It serves no one to carry that weight around- not you, not him, and certainly not any future beaus you may have.

Winter is that perfect time to clean out the clutter. Whatever it takes- writing and burning, deleting phone numbers, emails, etc., or even ceremonial severing any energetic tie to another (I know, I know); but seriously, clear the clutter and start the new year off right.