Relationship Ready

I often get asked if my grey hair has changed the type of guys that ask me out. The answer is, surprisingly, no. But no one ever asks me if grey hair has changed the guys I go for and the answer would be, surprisingly, yes. 

All the way up to a few months ago I was attracting the same mix: young pups in their early 20s, guys my age, guys older. Some were super cute, some held my interest as much as dry toast, and some with extended fingers held in a crucifix. I thought to myself what an odd and dynamic mix and was very afraid that all that would remain with my silver hair would be the dry toast undesirables. 

So I started this blog to put my shy self as a guinea pig and face the fears of potential rejection quite publicly. Well, I didn't think any but a few friends would actually read this but then I looked at the audience and was overwhelmed by the global viewing of my insecurities, dramatic blathering, and excitement I had over every inch of silver grown. Ironically, my friends and family don't read my blog but the hits keep coming all the same.    

I was not, as feared, left with just the dry toast but still the young pups, attractive men, older men, et. al. They still come. And then something switched. It took me quite awhile to figure it out but what switched was me. 

I am more comfortable in my skin 

When you are growing out a skunk stripe you deal with stares and you're conscious of every prolonged glance, passive-aggressive remark, etc. Finally you stand up for yourself and own it and the sheeple (sheep-like people) of the world fall in line. Already that makes you more attractive and you realise that even when you have two-toned hair men are attracted to you. 

I stand out 

Never have I had so many cheerleaders as I do now and they keep smiling at me and telling me how much they love my hair. Most people would think that completely weird but I think it's fantastic. How good that feels to have an army of cheerleaders rooting you on (no pun intended). Those constant boosts of confidence have edged out the last dregs of core insecurities because I have a team of men and women telling me more than ever how great the grey looks on me.

I am ready 

If you want to know what your subconscious is creating in your life, look at your daydreams. Mine were always of first encounters. That seems innocent enough but if I'm always thinking about the moment up to meeting someone, I'm focusing on my independence and my not being ready. Add to that the thought of anything long-term bringing instant panic, "Wait! I mean, let's not rush this daydream or anything, let's just take it SLOW (and never really get there)," and I was attracting like to like. I wasn't ready so I would attract the same. 

All of those men from the past were not ready- little 20-year-old pups who pursued me? Obvi not ready and sort of creepy that I could legitamately be a mother to them. Dry toast guys had an odd theme of clinginess and still holding on to the last ex that dumped them. And the highly-smoochable guys were more independent than even I am and always had some level of wall around them. I'll tell you this once you change and no longer need those guys lurking in the background, they start to contact you out of the blue. Hence the need for de-clutering my love life which I did a month or so ago. 

Now that I am ready for a truly committed relationship and looking to my next move North as being much more permanent, the guys I am starting to attract are also in the same place. I went out with someone a couple of weeks ago who is there too. He's open and honest, at a good place in his life, and is really ready for the next phase in his life. Am I interested in taking it to the next level with him? No, but I am very reassured that I am headed in the right direction.

The Right Hair Stylist

The importance of this subject cannot be emphasized enough, especially if you are growing out your grey. I have filtered out dozens of stylists and have yet to find one grey-friendly and still cutting edge super stylist- until today.

I started out very nervous about this. The last time I had my hair cut (besides my one-time self-trim) was 7 months ago. I know, but even though it was a good cut, the stylist seemed put out to work on my hair and then didn't listen to my ONE request to not have a high-heat flat iron. "Oh, I have it on medium," she said as she burnt my hair and turned it yellow. No, I still have not let that go and it made me even more timid to see a new stylist and avoid this again.

I had my speech all prepared- I was going to point out that I started running again and want to be able to pull my hair back in a ponytail, I don't like too-short layers on top because I look like a '70s News Anchor, I don't want him/her to flat iron my hair, I'm allergic to hairspray. I spent a couple of weeks compiling the horror stories of past stylists and trying to make my high-maintenance list seem not so high-maintenance. Fail. But this was important because I get intimidated in salons and chicken out anyway so I was hoping to meet half of the items on my list. Usually I rue the day I go to the salon and start the whole process over looking for a new stylist.

Salons have long-been my Achilles heel and I was just praying that a Master Stylist at a top-rated Yelp salon was going to pass the muster.

Enter Michael Knight at Samuel Cole Salon in North Raleigh. He has 28 years of experience and is constantly learning the latest in the industry. I walk I in and he greets me. I'm relieved to see a cool silver and black-striped beard, lots of tats, and a friendly smile that is not glancing at my grey and making a face. I'm still wary as the last Rockabilly salon owner (with his own black and silver hair, tats, and nose ring) told me how much older I would look with grey and there was only one cut that I would be able to do (enter expletive of choice).

But Michael was different, giving a great consultation and was almost as excited about my grey hair as I am. He suggested longer hair for my hair type, how my natural part was falling, what my current and future goals were, and when I would graduate (before my 40th birthday in July- holla!). All-in-all, here was a stylist celebrating my choice with me and absolutely thrilled to see the end result. He saw my progression pics and verified that I looked better with every inch of grey that grew out.

After a great cut, comparing favorite 80's Metal Bands, and my having the courage to ask that he not flat iron my hair (he was on the same page), I left feeling awesome. I have a great cut, an inch less of color on my ends, a great cheerleader, and I feel wonderful. Was it cheap? No, but damn, so worth it! I think the key to remember is that you're saving a ton of money on ditching the dye so splurge and get a great style. After all, you're celebrating  and you need a great style. The time for Super Cuts and cuts that come with a coupon are past. If you're talking about budget and you were coloring your hair all those years, you are saving a ton- put it into a great cut and a great stylist.

These are my after pics from this afternoon. How cool is this, only 3" left!! For those in metric Countries, i.e. everywhere except the US, that would be 7-8 centimeters. The cool part is that for every bit of dyed ends that get cut off, your hair lightens considerably. Every cut thus reveals a new you and you get excited all over again.

 

Well, I am so elated with this and if you find yourself in Raleigh, give Michael Knight (link above) a call. You might email him anyway and see if he knows and can recommend a stylist in your area. Also, look on Café Gray under the Gray-Friendly Salon Guide to see about recommended stylists in your area.

 

Okay, I'm off to paint the town and celebrate my new cut. Have a lovely day, all!!

De-hoard Your Love Life

Have you ever seen that show "Hoarders: Buried Alive"? If you haven't, it's on par with watching "Poltergeist." Scary. Really scary. So those of us who watch it look on in abject horror, vowing we will never let our homes get to that state. And yet we never evaluate our love lives this way.

If you took an honest assessment of your life, are there exes you're still (maybe just a wee bit) holding onto? If you hesitate, that's a yes. This was an epiphany I had recently. Much like hoarding, it's gradual until one day you wake up and can't find the kitchen. It's also a mental block, holding on to the past as an ideal.

I was asked this question recently and I immediately started to blurt out, "Nooo-wellll, not really." That's a yes. Now, if you haven't forgiven all of your exes and asked for their forgiveness, that's the first step. I've sent apology letters as much as 20 years late, and I let go of any actions they did against me. You can just write and burn letters to them. The overall intent is to release both of you. If it would benefit them to hear an apology, by all means humble yourself and do it! If it wouldn't, then write and burn. One great suggestion was to write an "I'm pissed at you" letter, then write a letter of explanation from their perspective. Often it doesn't go: "Oh you were perfection personified and I was the slug who didn't get it," BUT it does admit their fault, your fault, and takes away any lingering emotion.

I evaluated this a bit further. Is it holding onto someone if you keep their letters, emails? It seems like that's an easy yes but it all depends on the intent. I went through a lot of these old emails. If they weren't 'attagirls' or affirmations that brought good memories, then they were discarded. Nearly all were discarded. A few were kept as memories from an important time in my life, whether it was young adult coming of age or someone helping me through the loss of my mom. Honestly, if this correspondence was lost in a move I wouldn't be heartbroken, but I also feel no attachment to the person writing them.

One might also ask what it means to still be friends with an ex. Again, it's all about intention. There are some exes that I don't want to be friends with. We're at different places in our lives and we don't really help each other grow in a positive direction. No problem, just don't need to keep in touch. Then there are those that I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with them, and vice verse, but we are great supportive friends of each other. We remain friends but we also never looked back and there are no "what if" thoughts going on. They're just buddies and I support them finding truly great women to spend their lives with.

So recently I severed all emotional ties with the men of the past and present that weren't really what I was looking for. If there were casual relationships that weren't going anywhere, well they're not going anywhere. If we're willing to be friends then it can go there but if he might want more, gotta let you go. It feels so good, like when you clean out your closet and donate carloads to charity.

Because let's face it, if you know in your soul that someone is not right for you yet you still hold onto some sort of hope, you're carrying around dead weight. And what is that doing to future great men in your life? They'll have to wade through all that crap and they may not make it, just like that hoarding dream I have of not finding the kitchen. It serves no one to carry that weight around- not you, not him, and certainly not any future beaus you may have.

Winter is that perfect time to clean out the clutter. Whatever it takes- writing and burning, deleting phone numbers, emails, etc., or even ceremonial severing any energetic tie to another (I know, I know); but seriously, clear the clutter and start the new year off right.

Iron [Wo]man

I had to find some gratuitous reason to reference Tony Stark and what better way than to segway to flat irons? My last name is Stark and when I see 20-something boys get wide-eyed and excited at the last name on my card my canned response is, "Iron Man or Winterfell? Which geek outlet is yours?" 9 times out of 10 it's Iron Man and I have no problem make-believing that I am Robert Downey Jr's secret wife. Either that or Jamie Sives (Jory) is destined to serve the Starks, and by extension me, for time eternal. Umm... sorry... my imagination was running away with me.

Focus, Jill, focus! Yes, the main point of this blog post is about hot irons (this also applies to curling irons) and whether they will damage your grey. The fact of the matter is that you need to rethink your approach to styling tools and products. You rethought product to protect your dyed hair and now you have natural, uncoated hair with little to no melanin. This needs to be considered. See? Even Tony is adjusting the temperature settings on his flat iron.

The first thing I would like to point out is stop listening to people tell you you have to stop blow drying your hair, or that you have to accept the curls that drove you to the flat iron in the first place. You have options and choose whatever option works for you. I hate being told that I should embrace my curls. Don't wanna. Ain't gonna. I have control over very little in my life and so I take out these control issues on my hair. 

Point number two is that you're not going to necessarily burn or yellow your hair just because you use a styling tool. I'm going to lay out my much researched information to dissuade this from happening. When I first heard this discussed on Cafe Gray I knew it not to be true. After all, my mom had gray hair for 30 years, blew it dry every other day, and curled it EVERY SINGLE day. Never once was it anything less than brilliant silver and white. 

Mom didn't buy high-end styling tools but I recommend that you get a good styling tool with a heat setting dial. I also recommend that you get a blow dryer with a cool or cold setting. Now a disclaimer is that I am not a hair stylist so this is just my research, what I've learned calling and talking to various stylists, and my own personal experience. So I recommend you take this to your stylist and get his/her opinion as well.

Temperature 

One should never go over 300 degrees F. You might have wiry forest children sticking up but they will soon calm down. Normally they stick up because they are new growth, short, and have no tribe. So they need to be coaxed into a tribe and then they will soon be well-behaved gray hairs. Hair starts to literally melt at any temperature above 420 degrees so you can see what 120 degrees difference makes. Why not over 300? You have very little melanin in your hair now and the high heat can burn it easier. I personally never go over 265-285 and I had coarse, curly hair. Now it's medium textured and curly. 

Styling Products 

Try to buy styling products specifically for grey or platinum hair. A lot of products can create a build-up or even tint your hair and the combination with heat will just seal them in. That is why I NEVER put on any styling product right before I style my hair. I typically put on a serum after washing my hair, sleep and let it air dry, then iron in the morning. I too need to reevaluate my styling products and trash a great majority of them. If you're going to blow dry then put on your styling product and let it air dry for at least 15 minutes before you use the dryer.

Keratin Treatments 

This will probably get me hate mail but here goes. I think your keratin and Brazilian blow out days are over. Remember what I said about hair melting at 420 degrees? Well Keratin and Brazilian blow outs use irons at 450 degrees or higher. It fuses the formaldehyde or aldehyde to your hair and can easily cause permanent damage whether you have colored hair or grey.

Clean Your Iron 

Every week, clean your iron. I use mine twice a week, and I might use it 1-2 times more on the nape of my neck on those mornings where I must have had really rockin' dreams. Take a cotton ball with rubbing alcohol and clean any build up from product. The cleanliness of your styling tool will ensure that it won't be sealing any product on your hair and thus damaging it. 

Heat Test 

This is the most important tip: do a heat test before you use your flat iron. Take a piece of tissue paper and get it damp. Hold it in your iron for 10-20 seconds. If it sizzles and yellows the paper, it can do that to your hair. If the paper comes out white, it won't discolor your hair.

Damage Reverse 

You can't always reverse damage. Sometimes if it's a matter of sealing product buildup on your hair, you can put baking soda and purple shampoo on your hair for 15-30 minutes and it will brighten again. You can substitute baking soda for a vitamin C packet like Emergen-C as well. It might take a few times but always worth a shot. 

This is the anal retentive guide to using styling tools on your silver. Remember, my mom used them every day of her life, and she bought her utensils at drug stores. They weren't costly, they weren't the highest setting, but in her 30 years I never remember her once damaging her hair to the point of being yellowed. But if you're paranoid like me, clean your styling tool and do the damp toilet paper test. And then you have more options if you want a sleek, straight look.

Self Trim (Must Be Supervised)

When you are growing out color the single most annoying thing is looking at those damned dyed ends. I will confess I have been so focused on attaining the glorious ponytail that I have not self-trimmed. The last time I DID self-trim was about three months into my transition when I was desperate to see just one piece of my hair without dye. This went tragically wrong when said piece began to rebel and stick out, making one side of my head look like it had a permanent fascinator. A little styling gel and I soon got it in check but it was touch and go there for a while.

My last haircut was in early August and having seen six months go by without so much as a trim, I wanted to see some results already! Although my last stylist burnt a section of my hair, thus yellowing it, she did manage to give me a kickass haircut. This has made it possible for me to grow out my hair for six months and it still looking styled. I learned that from now on, I will get a cut and blow dry, but not allow any salons to use styling tools on me. They simply don’t know what they’re doing when it comes to grey hair. 

It was the day before my 16-month anniversary and I just went for it. I divided my hair in half and cut at least an inch off the side-swept bangs. I should have had parental supervision when attempting this but alas, I did it anyway. One silver sister said, ‘the difference between a good haircut and a bad one is about two weeks.’ I can live with that.

I have this unfortunate Patty Duke flip going on and that’s really annoying me but I must say I’m still glad I did it. My hair looks sooo much lighter just with some of those ends off. I figure I will go get a trim before I go back to Kansas in March but I need to grow out my cut a bit before doing the walk of shame to the hair salon. Here is my before and after pics. The two before pics show the alarming amount of dye still left. The two after shots show both the cut (indoor lighting) and how much lighter it looks now that there’s a little bit less dye to reflect off. 

 

It really is all about the lighting. There’s no flash or saturation changes done or any editing, for that matter, on these photos. You’ll notice with grey hair that some people seeing you only indoors will think you’re a blonde. Anyway, I hope those of you getting frustrated with your transition process realise that there are nice surprises along the way. I didn’t think an inch off would make that much of a difference but I’m pleasantly surprised to see my hair lighten with the trim.
 

Life Lesson

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I was off for a whole lovely week, spending time with my sister, who drove the two-day trek from Kansas. Between cooking, visiting with friends, and lots of down time, this is one of my favorite Christmases yet. That is, until we went to watch my sister's Alma Mater play in a Bowl Game. Kansas State played (and soundly defeated) Michigan last Saturday and the damn game didn't start until 10.15pm. This means an end time of nearly 2am. Ugh. 

We went to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch, as they were the host of the bowl game. The line was out the door and it wasn't for the football game but for some series of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) matches. It's a bloody sport; it's raw, and the fact that this is the new National past time is disturbing on more levels than I can relate. As my sister left to use the restroom a guy from a nearby table came over and sat down. His table had a "bet" going on that Wendi and I are sisters. Yes, he won that bet. They also had a bet of who was older. "She is, by four years," I replied. He lost that bet, and he also lost any chance of asking me out. Still he pursued and said that it was because of my grey hair that he thought I was older. I just silently looked him in the eye and allowed him to gnaw a bit further on his foot. After he'd realised that he hadn't  made enough effort to backpedal he goes in for the kill, "So, I don't see a ring. How is it that you aren't married?" "It must be because I look so much older than my big sister," I replied sweetly. One would think that would end all conversation. One would be wrong. 

A year ago a comment like that would have derailed me. A hundred comments about how much better I look with silver, how lovely and young my face looks, how my eyes become complex hues of turquoise, green, and periwinkle- all that would be out the window and I would focus on this one little slight from a man I'm not attracted to. I understand why so many women run for the bottle (the dye bottle, that is). Their family member makes a snarky comment, their friends are unsupportive, or some loser watching MMA makes an off-hand remark. All of the sudden, it's just so easy to lose all that confidence and resolve that you built up over the past several months. 

This created an approach for me that I use in all areas of my life. There are three ways that you can approach any and everything that Life gives you: you can deny it, acquiesce to it, or celebrate it. 

We'll use hair dye as an example of how to play this out. You can deny the gorgeous silver that God gave you and cover it up, playing with being a redhead, becoming another blonde in a crowd of fake blondes, or go back to the brunette of your youth. Sometimes it's fun to play with color and creating a new identity (or holding on to an old one) but at the end of the day, it's covering up. I always felt weird when someone complimented my red dye. "Well, I'm a natural ginger, but this is enhanced," I would say sheepishly. What was I taking credit for- zhoojing the dye evenly? Picking the right shade of red? Rocking out a fiery mane? In the end I admitted to myself that I was hiding from what grey hair meant to me, and I simply could not accept that God had prematurely greyed me. 

Acquiescence- ah, this word covers all manner of sins in our lives. I hate this word- it is the word of carelessness and neglect, of not caring and giving up. Yet so many people do this when going grey and that's why there's a stigma that going grey means 'letting yourself go' to so many women. We all know that man or woman who rues their silver hair but says, "Well, at least it takes me no time to get ready now." What?? Why? Why does the color of your hair signify anything about how you care about yourself? I simply hate it when I compliment a lady on her grey and she says, "Now I don't have to spend any time at all on myself! I simply wash and go!" like it's some triumph to not care. What's worse is when someone responds to a compliment on their grey with "Well, I guess I'm not going to color it. I mean, it's just hair and it probably makes me look older but what are you gonna do?" Ugh, acquiescence is a dirty little word. 

That's why the third option is always the best- CELEBRATE it!! When someone compliments you, smile and say 'thank you.' When someone says they don't know if they could be as brave as you are , encourage them and let them know they have options but also support whatever their decision is. When someone insults your grey (directly or inadvertently) stand up for your silver!! I recently had a facebook post of me and my friend, Penny. I captioned it with 'THIS is silver' referring to Penny's and my own ability to rock the silver. Lots of compliments and then one bitchy comment from my stepmother (still dying her hair whatever lacklustre box color goes on sale), "It's called GRAY." So I responded with "Some people choose to hide their gifts from God, others choose to celebrate them. Obviously, I choose to celebrate. If you have a problem with my grey, take it up with God." 

I see this 3-option choice for every scenario in life- you can deny, acquiesce, or celebrate. At one time I would have loved to be 5'8", lithe and athletic, with a perfect slim nose, tanned skin, and straight sable hair. But those aren't the gifts God gave me. I'm petite at 5'2", curvy, with high cheek bones, chameleon eyes, and silver striped hair. I wear flats, I highlight my curves, I love and protect my alabaster skin, and I don a beautiful silver mane. Anyone, especially God, would be proud that I embrace what I have and celebrate. 

Mini Meet

I have oft-mentioned before the importance of a silver sister tribe. True friendships really do blossom. I think sometimes it takes women aback that there is a society of women celebrating you for being you and just offering support. There is no callousness, no motive, no competition. Sounds a bit Utopian, no? 

Well, it IS Utopian and it's freakin' fantastic. I think that's why Cafe Gray is so addictive because you're around that support all the time. Then in turn you spread that joy around to others. It is not uncommon for me to compliment complete strangers. Silver muses most definitely but when I see a good dye job I compliment that as well. Really it could be shoes, jewelry, clothes, whatever. I probably don't go for more than a day or two without complimenting a random stranger. 

And today I am super excited because I have a mini meet with my first silver sister friend Penny. She was the first silver sister I met in Raleigh and we have had Sheltie play dates, I've spent time with her and her husband, and we give a critical eye to clothes and makeup on each other. She is also a Midwesterner so my bluntness is appreciated rather than snarled at (a rarity in the South). 

FINALLY, someone will take a million pictures (until just one comes out right) that showcases my silver hair. That's awesome because my fanatical obsession with my hair is celebrated rather than having someone quietly slip me their therapist's card, careful not to make any sudden movements around me. Here are a few pics of the day:

What's great is that we can just text each other and meet up for lunch. I LOVE the mini meets we have with all the sisters in the area but coordinating more schedules means more time apart. So it's good to do a small get together to get your fix of silvertude. 

Here are some little known benefits and needs in a silver bestie: 

1) Someone who is honest with you- It is imperative that you have someone who takes a critical eye to your new lipstick choice. All of your colors will change now that you've gone from a warm version of box dyed hair to a cool, multi-hued silver. When you feel low and are heavy in the skunk stripe stage, a silver sister isn't looking at the contrast in your hairline and making you feel self-conscious, she is telling you to pull your hair back to see the change in brightness the silver has against your skin tone. I have literally forced silver sisters once comfortable in their nude lip color into trying some version of red. ALL women have a red (yes you too!!) and it’s just a matter of finding it. 

2) Someone to take pics- Most people are slightly sadistic with the camera. It’s true! They take pictures of you that form odd shadows and make you look like you have a double-chin, wide nose, and bad posture. And even though a silver sister won’t necessarily make you look like a Ford model, they will put you in the best light to showcase your hair. And when you’re awesome enough to grow out your grey, you want nothing more to really showcase how stunning it can look. As you saw in my last post, lighting can make you go from silver to blonde so you really want some good pics of that silver. 

3) Someone to color swatch with- On Café Gray we have a thread called Warm Cool confusion and we painstakingly try to find what algebraic form of season we are. Then we post pics of different colors to see what looks best on us. Again, the lighting. No photo is going to do justice to how your skin or other colors reflect off your silver. And though it is a great alternative, there is no substitute for having a silver sister, a patient silver sister, witness you draped in a million different colors and say what works best for you. Okay, maybe a professional color analyst but we’ll save that for a future post. 

Lastly, it’s just nice to have someone who understands your insecure moments but doesn’t second-guess your decision to go grey. Instead she celebrates it! Anytime the two of us go out people are wondering what was slipped into our drinks to make us have so much fun. But truthfully, it’s nothing but trust, freedom to be ourselves, and true friendship. It makes all the difference have a friend in your corner. That’s a shout out to you, Penny.