Sunday, July 6, 2014

Emotionally Unavailable

The title says it all, doesn't it? Haven't we all fallen for the emotionally unavailable man? Countless times? Always? No?? Okay, it might just be me. I have often fallen for the emotionally unavailable man because I, too have been among his ranks. For more years than I care to count, I have been in a non-stop transitional stage: moving for grad school, my job constantly moving me around the Country, or my own wanderlust and resistance to settle down. But now I am in a more settled place, I mean I bought property (formerly a subject of blanche-faced horror to me).
So as I am in a different state I'm not really into men who are emotionally unavailable. To many this may seem like a smack-me-across-the-face-duh moment, but when I was not ready to commit I certainly didn't want some guy cramping my adventures in vagabonding. But just because I have changed does not mean that the men I attract and am attracted to don't still hold on to some of the dregs of aspects I wanted before. I need to keep reminding myself of that.
Enter DC Bachelor 2. He was the second date I went on in the last month. A great guy: ruggedly handsome, secure in his full masculinity, very likely to have wrestled a bear somewhere in his lifetime, and funny as hell. We went out for drinks and had a nice time. From there sprung a series of texts back and forth, mostly pictures of our travels for work and leisure and some funny anecdote.
It was great and very comfortable... until I realized that this guy may not be emotionally available. I mean we have both traveled for work and he's been on vacation some but we've only gone on the one date. I see some interest as he continues to contact me but hmm... I think he just isn't 100% there. It caught me off guard seeing this because usually what he's doing is what I would do- when I think of a guy or want that flirting, I text. This may be consistent but there's a wall. Well, my walls are down and I don't have the time or gana to attempt a Don Quixote effort to break through someone else's walls, and vice versa.
I'm going to present some examples of emotionally unavailable types here. This may help to discern if you are interested in one of these guys or maybe what your (yes you, missy) patterns are:
His main contact is through media and not in person
If you are focused on long-distance types, ahem- you are not totally available. Likewise if you're near someone and they constantly contact you by phone or email, etc. but make not future plans to see you then he's very likely not 100% in it. This is actually something I can be accused of. I used to love these sort of long-distance relationships. Sometimes it was the constant when my job was moving me every 3 months, sometimes it was out of laziness, sometimes habit. Mostly it was getting an emotional fix on my time. Either way I wasn't 100% in it and I was just going through the motions.
You never know too much about him
Oh this reminds me of Flyboy, a guy I have known for a few years. He wanted to hang out but it was sporadic. I thought he wasn't into me so I let it go but he would never stop contacting me, even when I ignored him. I never knew much about his life and I always felt a wall. I mean I had to ask if he was married or had several lovely yet illegitimate children. The truth was not as interesting as my version of a polygamist running state borders but I have never figured that guy out. He wasn't after sex, I'm not sure what he was after. Regardless, he was emotionally unavailable in the extreme.
He has an on-again, off-again girlfriend
Even if he's technically free he really isn't free emotionally. He still carries the dregs of that relationship and is constantly comparing the two of you. Even if you always come out ahead in the game (and OF COURSE you do), he's still seeing her a bit when he looks at you. Baby Boy has issues. We're talking about someone who needs some serious couch therapy (the psychiatric kind). Yes we could all use some therapeutic tweaks but if he seems to easily fall into the bad boy category... well, he has other things to focus on and your only role is NOT to try and "save" him; a role which neither he wants nor should you desire. Focus on healthy relationships instead.
You've been together forever and there never seems to be a progression
You meet and you fell into that comfortable sock phase- the one where you can be intimate on some levels buy you never really progress. Sometimes it's laziness or bad dating habits on both sides, but more often he's not really ready to commit to you. Sometimes we enter not knowing what we want and then realize, hunh, it's more. Um, that's called being a grown-ass adult and changing. Communicate like an adult.
So as I write this out it becomes clearer about DCB2. Good guy, but afraid I'm going to have to put him on the back burner. We have a date this week and I'll just see. But I have noticed the lack of woo has turned me off a bit and we'll see if he wins it back.

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