Thursday, November 28, 2013

Tables Reversed

One thing that I notice more and more is how the Universe really loves balance. When I was younger and more insecure there was no lack of men ready to take advantage of that. the more I needed the less they had to give. As I drifted a bit away, they gave more. And thus, a vicious cycle was born.

This does correlate with grey hair because I choose myself every day over what I perceive others wanting. This extends past my silver hair option to all areas because when I choose myself I look at what (and whom) fits my needs, not how I can mold myself into another's wants.

Somehow the tables have reversed. This shift has changed the men that come into my life. Maybe it hasn't really, maybe I'm just not attracted to the same men anymore. Regardless, I have very basic needs when it comes to men: independent, a man's man (burly bears feel free to apply), mutual love and respect, and a great connection. 

Not a big list and yet I find it more and more difficult to find independent men. The men I find must have been destroyed over time because they are very needy and in constant search for approval. Umm, you don't need my approval, you need your own. 

Reason number 2 of why I'm still single: I'm not attracted to all of the needy men. If you're having a violent reaction to that last sentence please don't. My reactions are based on a lifetime of Midwestern co-dependent relationships: one person is the giver, the other the taker; neither person can co-exist without the other; neither person can make a decision without the other's over-arching approval.  

So here are just a few examples of said needy men: 

The 'I thought you might be the one' guy- Here is an attractive guy claiming he is in his early 40s (ealry 50s more like) and I meet him at a nice restaurant. He starts out by whipping out a $100 bill to pay for an $8 drink- a bit on the pathetic side. Then after about 30 minutes I discover that he has an 11-year-old son, pretty stationary, and we have very little in common. So after being asked out for a second date, I respond by saying that people disclose a lot about themselves in 30 minutes. I showed that I am looking to move and love to travel. With a young child he's not in the same position and therefore it wouldn't be a good match. This led into him speed dialing his ex-girlfriend as a reference of what a good boyfriend he is (eek!). "I was really hoping you were going to be the one," he said as he choked back heavy emotion. I talked him off the ledge but this was not to be the end of him. He then tried the well-we-can-still-be-friends approach. I declined saying that I didn't want to lead him on. This undesired response caused an unfriendly reaction in him and he never heard from me again. 

The 'I told my godparents all about you' guy- It's hard meeting a person of your faith when you're Orthodox Christian. So I get the pressures one might face when two of you collide somewhere in the Universe and meet for coffee. I was prepared for a coffee date but wasn't prepared for that to turn into dinner. Okay, I rolled with the punches. I also got many accolades for how easy-going and nice I was. Great, thanks! I also got compared to not one ex-wife but two. Okay, er... um... thanks. I also got asked how can I stand not being married? He wants to get married again so bad. This was shortly after he told me how excited he was for our first date and that he told his godparents all about it. Sigh, really? My disinterest in him was several-fold but the main red flag was how he didn't visit his sick mother because it was upsetting; ironic because his last wife left him when he was sick and he is very bitter about it. All-in-all, no thank you. 

The 'Give me a pic, PLEASE, pretty please???' guy- I chatted with a guy on Tinder, actually several. A couple are all about calling and texting (isn't that what Tinder is supposed to take the place of?) but okay I'll go with the flow. So I start talking to this guy and he admits he's gun-shy and scared. What? Are you 10?? And why do you need to share this vulnerability with a complete stranger? Um, okay let me allieviate your fears, this is just getting to know a person. "Can I have a picture of you, pretty pretty please?? Here's a pic of me asking for a pic of you... Here's another pic of me, just in case..." I thought this odd, as there are several pics of me on Tinder, but I guess the extra step of pressing on the Tinder app and then pressing on my pic was too much effort? My sister believes as this request occurred right before Thanksgiving he wants a pic to show to his family. Of for f@#%'s sake.

Here is a pic I took after this request and I find it quite befitting. Can you read the irritation mixed with trepidation? Never mind that I look slightly cross-eye, that was all the fake smile I could muster. But I never sent the pic so it's a moot point. 

Now that the roles have reversed I find myself seriously wondering if I'm willing to forego a life all of my own to constantly tend to the needs of another. I mean to have children is one thing but are men just going to be another version of that or are there men out there who are independent and contribute positive attributes to a relationship? We'll keep searching for that answer. But until then, don't wait for my call... or for that pic…


  1. Saw your blog in your SS sig and thought I'd stop by. It's really good! Thanks tor the 12 step program...some excellent advice!

  2. Thanks, Puppyfur!! I just saw your comment on the SS page and I needed that. Hugs :)