Those in my family that maintained their status quo escaped to a lovely place called Denial Island where they sipped mocktails and told themselves that no, my mom was not dying of cancer and the world was rosy. When she did pass, they awoke to the reality of it all and I'm sure they have many regrets.
Those of us that stayed in the moment with Mom have few regrets about that time period but awoke to the harsh realities of self-awareness: knowing that your best was highly lacking and that all of the poor behavior you glossed over could no longer be hidden. Because at that time you have no energy to maintain- you just somehow get through. It's not graceful and it's not pretty and sometimes there are casualties left in the wake. This is a pic of my mom and me. Ugh, still dyeing the hair but you can also see my beautiful inspiration for going natural.Five years later and I feel like I'm still cleaning up some of my messy behavior- the key culprit is not maintaining my stress. For instance, if I don't have a proper 1-2 week vacation each year I'm on edge. Between the work, the commutes, being an officer and volunteer at my DAR Chapter, volunteering in so many other ways, plus all the neighborhood events, I barely have time to breathe. And I love the volunteer work because that's instant gratification: to see someone's life improved because of a simple gesture, even if for just a moment. But when you're stressed, you're never giving your best.
So as I read through yet another self-help book a friend lent me, I realized, "Holy crap, I'm way more f'd up than I thought!" Goody. According to this, my nearly 20 years moving around for my career has taught me to become evasive to relationships. And that's true- the first sign of neediness from a man and I run for the hills, or to my next station. I avoid dating locals who have never lived elsewhere because the idea of staying put in any one area used to cause me to break out in hives. The government is all too eager to take advantage of people like me who are willing to move and bring their experience into a new Division.
Recently I got a call from a good and respected friend about an opportunity coming up in another Division. Hmm, perfect timing as I've been in a place over three years, HOA fees are rising, and there's an eclipse- a universal sign, no? And that's sort of how my career has been- just fall into the right place at the right time, accepting the path of least resistance. Only one thing- I said no. I had just declared that my forever home will be in Maine. I LOVE it there and I've dreamt of living in New England ever since I saw the first episode of Who's the Boss? (don't judge).
By saying 'no' to a sure thing and 'yes' to walking off the cliff into the unknown, i.e searching for jobs in Maine, I chose my happiness over my career. That's the first time I've done that in a long time. Yes, I have the luxury of having a job in DC until I make my move, but it's still scary (terrifying really) and equally exciting to take that leap of faith. The opportunity I turned down was a big one and will never happen again.
So I guess this all loosely ties together in saying that I'm choosing a better life for myself. I'm choosing to deal with my commitment issues (on both men and really settling down into one area), and also to stop hiding behind my career and sleep-walking through life. I think my mom would be proud.
